My Infinite Oblivion

Change

Change has played big part in my life so far.

Well, of course it did. It does for everyone, I guess. Lots of things have changed for me in the last few months; friendship, death, money, etc. It's just that change takes a toll on me, and because of that I don't feel like I'm me anymore. I feel like I have to change to keep people happy, because I have spent my life growing up with arguments, and now I'm absoloutely sick of it so to avoid them, of course I'm going to change. I wish I could be one of those people who don't care what people say to them, but I'm not. I pretend their blows don't affect me on the outside, but on the inside they hurt me, they make me want to never face reality again. I want to be a "Don't Care" kid, but I'm not, so in order for me to be happy myself, I try to change and be tough on the inside too. I don't like it, but then again I do. Does that make sense?

Change has also been extremely obvious with my friends and family too. Suddenly nobody's the same, everyone's pulling white t-shirts over school skirts and wearing high messy buns as well as a bit of makeup - and that's only in school. I don't usually wear my t-shirts hanging over my skirts, but when I do, trying to fit in and not look like a weirdo (why can't I just not care?), I look odd anyway. I wear buns because it's the easiest way to keep my hair out of my face, but still, everyone thinks it's just me copying everyone else. Also, when I'm with my best friend Lucy, sometimes I put on a bit of makeup or something because of the flaws in my skin. It doesn't necessarily mean I LIKE makeup, I just use it a) because otherwise I look like a sleepless zombie and b) I'm curious as to what I look like :3

Also sometimes you can get pressured into doing stuff. Not naming names, but with people suddenly fantasizing about new, popular bands, hilarious YouTubers, and popular clothes/food shops, you don't want to feel left out, do you? You listen to the music, watch the YouTubers, try new shops, but do you really like it? You're overcome by the illusion that you actually like these things, so much that you don't know what you actually like anymore. I know I have. I like things like Smosh, fairy lights, skinny jeans, but sometimes I can't say that sort of stuff because I'm afraid of what people will think. Everyone goes on about "be who you are, not who the world wants you to be," but those same people are going to judge you for whatever you do independently anyway. Some people will admire you, but there will always be that bitchy person that are jealous and looking at their Barbie-ness will make you feel different, and not always in a good way. It will take a very strong person to ignore it completely and just carry on, happy. I know I'm not one of those people.

So. Change. It happens. You have to accept it.