My Infinite Oblivion

Wasting My Life

This might seem like a depressing chapter because I'm finally letting out everything that's been messing up my head for months now.

I feel like I'm wasting my life. And I know I'm barely a teenager (ha ha) but I've read too many books and done too many things to think that my life is how it should be.

I'm so fed up with this era of smartphones and thirteen year olds getting pregnant and photoshop ruling the lives and career of celebrities. I want equality for literally everyone and I want people to stop acting 42 at aged 12 but what the hell am I doing, attempting to follow trends with stupid "Chats 👌" on snapchat and stupid selfies hiding half of my face? I got some stuff for Christmas, right, pretty expensive stuff I had no idea I was getting, and when i ecstatically told a friend of mine about them, she replied, "Not bad, sure," and then proceeded to pull out a fucking gold iPhone 5S, smirking. Then i retaliated, "Oh, yeah, I know, right? God," while I'm my head I was going, "what the hell is wrong with me?" I do stuff like that everyday to fit in and be accepted at my school where the popular kids are 13 year olds 'shifting' and 'benching' boys at discos in dresses barely covering their arses whilst wearing push up bras.

And here I am wallowing over fictional characters and listening to depressing music.

See what I mean? I don't want a life like that. I want to do something reckless with my friends, steal a car and drive across the country; learn to dive on the Niagara Falls; walk to the woods alone at 2am; have a showdown with a condescending bitch. I want to do something sensational, something that will make the headlines and have my name spoken in awed whispers for doing something right in my pathetic life. Things like curing cancer, donating millions to charities, writing a book that relates and helps to everyone. I want to make people happy and at the moment that's not what it feels like I ever do. I don't want to live my life worrying about literally everything, like what a girl thought when she looked at me, or if this scarf will be approved if I wear it to school, or if my ponytail is too low, stupid crap like that. Basically what I'm doing at the moment. And I know that I'm only young and I don't need to be worrying about those things but I'm worried about the time I have left. I am scared of my own mind. I've tried venting to people but it's always brushed off as a pathetic attention call when this is real and I don't know how much I'll be able to take. So many things crowd my head all the time I can never think straight, I fall asleep crying quietly, and it seems I'm not the only person in my family who feels that way. I've heard my mother cry over why she has children and how much she regrets it, and I've seen how depressed my dad is, all the while a divorce just happened and my brothers carry on in their usual "I will destruct everything but I don't care because my PS4 is too important to abandon" way.

I want all of this to stop. I want to restart my life the way I want it, but I can't so I have to make do with what I have, which is an "attention seeking brat" and apparently my goddamn face immediately makes people assume I'm a complete and utter bitch? Fuck this. All of this - this entire book is meant to be me venting my opinions but this chapter alone speaks more about myself than anything I've ever done before.