My Infinite Oblivion

Bullying

I've never wanted to be a bully. Sometimes I've had the urge to punch people or do vicious things to them, if I'm annoyed, e.g.; if one of my brothers annoy me I want to throw them down the stairs and then visualize a boulder squashing their bodies within seconds, but, sure, everyone gets annoyed, right? I'm just bad at hiding it. I'm always teased about how I chew at the skin under the lip on the inside of my mouth, but excuse me, nobody asked for your opinion so please, shut up. I do that because it's my way of controlling my fiery temper and not lashing out, just like how I put my feet on top the other and continuously do that if I'm in an awkward situation or if I'm forced to make choices - I don't like making choices. (However, if you want to see people with uncontrollable temper tantrums, come to my house! Arguments offered every hour of the day)

All right, I'm going off track. But the point is, I don't want to be a bully. Who does, right? Certainly not me. I don't want to, but I can't resist snarky, sarcastic comments every once in a while. Sure, I feel guilt, but I'm a stuck-up, proud, stubborn brat who hates apologizing. I should know; I rarely apologize to myself after I do a Bad-Dobby or remember something I should've. On the internet it's even worse. Recently one of my awesome friends shared a pic with me of this self-centered girl who completely blew up if you contradicted her. I'm talking full swear words, insults at your mother, calling you a slut or "monkey-faced" at 12 years of age. And I'm not kidding when I say that when she and her "BFF 4 LIFE" broke up, they both put, "don't follow _________ because she's mean ugly and a slut" on their bios. This is on Instagram. I got annoyed at this, especially since she sent a full torrent of insults at this friend when she was only sticking up for another girl who was being cyber bullied by this amazingly ignorant 12-year-old and another girl after the cyber bullied girl was saying things like, "your captions wrong, this selfie's not cute" or something along those lines. I saw this, I got, predictably, extremely pissed off and backed up my friend along with a few other of my closest friends on this girl's Instagram page, which led to, of course, a fight. Annoyed and looking for trouble, I scrolled through this childish girl's page and saw an entire TORRENT of photos in a row that said, "haters are losers"/"HATERS ARE YOUR BIGGEST FANS BUT THEY'RE TOO SCARED TO ADMIT IT" as well as a duck-face selfie with the caption, "for da haters :*" and other absolutely ridiculous photos that only dim-witted cats would believe. And cats are not dim-witted.

So, I, pissed off and looking to start a fight and tell her what I thought of her, I left a comment saying, "you're so sad". She replied with, "bitch I don't got time for yo azz" and a list of inappropriate curse words. After a few more leaving-comments and getting hate from this girl, I realized what I'd done and deleted the comments before sending her a Direct Message with the contents holding an apology and an explanation of why I did and also an explanation of why she got so much hate from numerous different people I don't know. For example, her ex-best friends diss in her bio? That's not exactly the most gracious and popular thing to do in a bestie-breakup situation. Also, her bio held a, "bitch I am a motherfucking Queen" in it. I explained this to her.

So, as you might have guessed, she was being a bully as well as myself. I was leaving sarcastic comments about her use of grammar and she was telling me insults about my mother and more, but to be honest, I couldn't be bothered to read all of whatever she replied with as it is fairly predicable what she's going to say, and it was hard to anyway because of the use of curse words.

I regret what I said because I hate bullying, but sometimes I can't resist the temptation to join in and back up for someone because while direct insults don't bother me for some unknown reason, (I have a tendency to laugh) I absolutely HATE bullying with my friends as the victims. it just comes out.

Recently my class were having a long discussion about bullying. I said not a word and kept my mouth firmly shut to keep in the dark thoughts within my mind. I was convinced that if I suggested something it would all tumble out, about my tendency to join in, about my lack of respect, and my school life would unravel with only a few more months with the same people. I was scared my teacher would report to my parents, who wouldn't trust me anymore, but most of all, I didn't trust myself to speak. There was a girl I talked to frequently over the internet last year, and one day she told me she didn't trust speaking to me anymore. Curious, I asked why, and she said it was because of what I said on the internet. She had seen what my words were capable of, and that was why she wished to forget about our short-lived friendship. I can't possibly shake away that feeling of utter guilt, and as hard as I tried to quench my tendencies, it wouldn't go away. I can't stop trying, even though my friend isn't there anymore.

So there you have it. My untold secrets of bullying.