The Advice Column I

One

Advice Request
This person wishes to be given advice about how to approach their parents about cutting. They physically harm themselves because they feel like their parents set up standards that are way too high. It is leading them to not value themselves as a human being, and they feel worthless.

Answered submission
Here is the truth: all parents want their children to be successful in life. It is only natural that your mother and/or father would want you to match their standards because they view you highly. If you take a moment and think about that, you'd probably be relieved. Why? Your parents think you're so worth it that they want you to meet their standards! That's how much they love you. However, some parents do have extremely high standards and/ or expectations—their expectations are so high to the point where they're unrealistic. This probably stems from being obsessed with having a perfect child which is totally unrealistic. In this case, the child is never to be blamed but rather the parent is. Why they have such high expectations differs for every parent. In fact, high expectations can actually bring you to doubt yourself! You may compare yourself to others or may feel as though you can never meet such standards (these are just examples). This stems from self-doubt and lack of confidence. Hence, we can conclude that your problem may stem from one thing: extreme standards and/or expectations.

Setting standards and expectations for children (or people in general) is normal, the correct way to go about things, and is totally healthy, but setting standards and expectations that are too high or too extreme is unrealistic, unreasonable, and isn't the right way to go about things at all! All of us possess weaknesses and flaws, and thus, shouldn't be expected to be perfect. There are many parents who don't have high standards and expectations, but they're children feel as though they do—probably because the child is simply lazy. The child is at fault here, but sometimes, laziness stems from things like lack of motivation, stress, depression or other problems. This means that, sometimes, parents really are the ones at fault, but at other times, they're child is actually the one at fault but doesn't realize it.

So what now?

You need to identify the difference between regular standards and expectations and high/extreme standards and expectations. If you truly do feel that your parents are the ones who are being unrealistic, your job is to talk to them. Approach them when they're in a good mood and ask them politely if you can converse with them privately. Once you're alone with them, ask them how they're doing and what they've been up to out of respect—this will also set up a mood for you to bring up the serious topic you want to discuss with them. After bringing all of this up, tell them the truth: "I want to discuss something very important. The truth is that I've been feeling down because of you guys. While I know you guys want what's best for me, you also need to keep in mind that I am in no way perfect. These high/extreme standards and expectations you are throwing at me are ones that are totally unrealistic—" and then you can explain how and why they're unrealistic. Afterward, tell them how all of this has affected you: "All of these standards and expectations? They're making me view myself as a low person. I don't see my real value anymore. It is so bad that I have physically harmed myself. I hate myself because I don't feel like I'm actually worth something. And this is all because I can't meet your standards." If one of them cuts you off during any sentence, then tell them respectfully that you have the right to speak up and defend yourself for yourself. Show them your cuts, and let them see what they're bringing about in your life.

They will hopefully understand you, and they will hopefully help you and respond in a way you would never imagine—we mean that in a good way.

Your parents are the light of your life—your mother was the one who held you within her for months in pain, and your father was the one who always looked after you to make sure you're secure and safe at all times, so speak to them with utmost respect throughout the entire discussion. This will even make them take you more seriously. Speaking maturely at all times is usually the gateway to understanding one another.

Sometimes, things don't go as we plan (unfortunately), and our parents really don't understand. If this happens to you, then know that there is still hope! Your next option is to talk to the closest and most beloved people around you. Tell them your problem, tell them how it makes you feel, and tell them why it makes you feel that way. Immediately afterward should you tell them that you are telling them all of this because you are asking for help. If you feel as though no one in your personal life can help you, look around for help. There are many counselors and psychologists around—even in schools and colleges/universities! Many people are experiencing what you're experiencing, so don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid. Reaching out for help is always important because help is always there! If you're ever walking down the street then know that the chance of one of those people around you being a counselor or psychologist isn't low. What does that mean? Help is everywhere! Many people want to help you, and we are some of those people. If you ever need more advice with this topic or need advice about anything else in your life, don't be afraid to contact us again. We will be so happy to help you. :)

With love,

The Advice Column Team