The Advice Column I

Forty-Six

Advice Request
This person is torn between listening and choosing her soon to be husband or father. They also have troubles with insecurity and wedding costs.

Answered Submission
There are quite a few issues that you want me to address so I'll try my best to break it up for you. First, it is very obvious to me upon reading this that you and your boyfriend are very much in love. Now, love is probably one of the biggest causes of happiness that will every grace you in your lifetime. The problem is that you think that you don't deserve it, deserve H, or deserve happiness. It seems to me as though you are living the dream life with him and you are afraid that the perfect bubble will burst and he will see you differently. What I am going to tell you is that no one is perfect, not you, and not him. You can't expect to be the perfect girlfriend but you can be confident enough that you are the one for him and he is the one for you. You need to believe in yourself a little more. What I suggest is that every time you begin to feel this way give yourself a little pep talk, something like this. You do deserve him and he is as lucky to have you as you are to have him. You are blessed to have him and he is blessed to have you. He is in love with you and that means all your perfect and unperfect moments, all your flaws and mistakes, your luggage, and everything that makes you, you. Because when you love someone you love every SINGLE piece and part of them. Don't you EVER forget that he made the completely willing choice to be with you for FIVE years? That alone should show you that you are worth it.

There is a quote that I feel that I should share with you: "The woman who does not require validation is the most feared individual on the planet" -Mohadesa Najumi. You need to remember that the ONLY person who can stand in the way of your happiness is YOURSELF. It isn't too good to be true and you know what? I bet you that he has the same feelings of insecurity that you do.

Now the second issue is kind of overwhelming, so I'll try my best to give you some advice. Just remember, at the end, you are the one who has to make the final decision. It seems like your father has liked H as a person but I think that he looks down on him a little and is hard on him because he wants H to show him that he is capable and strong enough to support you once you leave the nest. Your father loves you and wants the best for you which is what I think is fueling this misunderstanding. I want you to talk to both H and you father separately. I think you should ask H is if he really wants to continue to work in that environment anymore. I know that a man's pride keeps him from offending those he cares about but although it keeps him from admitting hardships that he is going through, he probably doesn't want to offend you if he talks about your dad. You need to get past this but not without having an actual sit down. In case your father doesn't give H a higher position, H should look for another job.

He now has 2 more years of experience under his belt and maybe your father will consent to write him a good letter of recommendation. This makes him that much more of a desirable candidate. Maybe one way you can help him if you search for another job on his behalf whilst he still works with your father. I will also advise you to start saving money.

Some tips?

- Start looking into ideas for an "at-home wedding" or a cheap wedding venue. You'd be surprised how lavish you can get a place to look with just long pieces of fabric, tablecloths, and balloons. Make sure to also check with H and your families what the maximum budget is for the wedding.

-Next, start looking into some rings that are decently priced or ask your families if they have an heirloom ring they want to gift you both.

-Third, get help but make sure that you speak up against ideas you don't like. This is the most special day of your life after all.

-Fourth, get a checklist of all the things you need to arrange for the wedding.

-Fifth, skip the pre-wedding parties including the wedding rehearsal, bachelorette, and bachelor parties.

-Sixth, pick your wedding party (the best man, maid of honor, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc.) and word of advice, don't choose too many people. Keep the wedding intimate and don't choose people who like overly lavish things as this will clash with your budget.

-Seventh, look into photographers and videographers that are cheap to hire (but still good quality) or find a person in one of your families who has experience with a camera and a video camera who is willing to take the job for cheap or for free.

-Eighth, look into dresses for yourself and your wedding party and tuxedos for your groom and his wedding party or perhaps your wedding dress can be a preserved hand me down.

-Ninth, look into cheap catering that is still suitable for a wedding or hire cooks to work at the wedding scene. If you want the traditional approach, you can cook the food alongside family.

Finally, look into everything else that you can do cheaply such as makeup, hair, henna, etc. at home. With this, you can plan the entire wedding cost effectively, so that H doesn't have to be burdened by the fact. Besides, no one needs more than 6 months to plan a wedding. There can be some extra things that people like to add that takes too long to plan for. It doesn't have to be that over the top, after all, you are marrying the man you love. That is what makes it the most special. I wish you the best of luck with your wedding and all your familial troubles.

Love,

The Advice Column Team