Challenge :A.C.M:

15.

:griffin:

I sit in the corner of the bleachers, my hood up, sunglasses on, arms folded over my chest. Despite completely destroying everything I had with Austin, I'm still here, at his game because I know him mom would never show up. I've stayed unseen the entire game, not wanting him to know I'm here. I don't know how he'd react in seeing me, but by the looks of the way he's playing, he's definitely pissed off.

I can't blame him though, I did a terrible thing, but I can't fix it. There's no reason to fix something when it'll only be ruined eventually. I didn't like kissing Dean. It made me feel dirty, my lips felt like they were going to burn off, if I could take it back I would.

The crowd roars as Austin catches the throw from the quarterback, sprinting towards the end zone. Shoulder pads smash against shoulder pads as he runs straight through the opposing players, getting the touch down and putting us even further into the lead.

Once the clock reads two minutes left in the fourth quarter, I stand up from my spot and leave the stadium know that by our three touchdown lead, there's no way the other team can catch up. I get into my car and drive back home, walking up to my room and laying in bed, my hands wrapped tightly around Austin's hoodie that he left here one day and never came back to get.

It seems to be the only sense of comfort right now for me. I refuse to talk to Richard, I spend my time staring at the wall above his head, ignoring his questions. My mom is taking a month long vacation, claiming she can't deal with my attitude or behavior anymore. Nothing is going right for me, and it all happened in a matter of days. How can I so easily ruin my life, and everyone else's? The question will forever linger in the back of my head.

The next day at school, I avoid everyone, sitting under the bleachers at lunch. Only showing my face to go to class. I see Austin's friends around the hallway, and surprisingly then don't seem to totally hate me. Sure, they don't talk to me, but a awkward tight lipped smile is enough for them to get the point that there's no hard feelings. If I were in there shoes, I'd hate me. Maybe it's the fact that they didn't know it was all a plan that I came up with, that everything that happened was at my discretion, my beck and call.

My routine stays the same. Wake up, self loathe while getting ready for school, spend the whole day alone, drowning in my own puddle of regret. Going home and doing homework while fighting off depressive thoughts and go to bed. The worst thoughts swirl in my mind while asleep.

They're the same thoughts as before. Everything is my fault. If I had never been born, less people would be hurt by me. They get worse and worse as the night goes on, sometimes sending me into a wave of panic that I can't get out of until I physically pass out. It's a deadly cycle that will eventually take its full toll on me.

"Hey, stop sulking" Dean sits down in the chair in my room "You told me it was for the best" He says, but I sit silently in my bed making him sigh heavily "You haven't talked to anyone since this happened, it's not that serious" He groans and when I still don't respond he stands up and leaves my room, slamming the door shut behind him.

To say I miss him would be an understatement. But to say I want him back in my life is a lie. Things are better this way, if it's this way, he won't end up like- he'll just be safer in the end.

Dean believes I'm blowing this out of proportion, but with the fragile feelings I have, it's kind of difficult to not blow things out of proportion. I've probably cried enough tears to fill the Baltimore Harbor, maybe even six of those which says a lot. I was never one to cry, not since I was fourteen and my life completely turned. But here I am, three years later, crying into the hoodie of a guy that I just fucked over.

My cat runs into my room, curling up on the bed beside me, her paws over my hand. I huff and run my hand along her back, kissing her head.

***

"Will you just talk to me?" Dean huffs, grabbing my wrist. I yank it from his grip, the feeling being the most intense I've ever felt, but I still don't speak, just walk off "You wanted me to do it! Stop ignoring me" He yells but I only roll my eyes, continuing my walk to my car. I get in and drive home, going and sitting in my room. I turn on Netflix and watch a couple movies, but soon climb out onto my roof, just sitting there, playing with my fingers.

I glance over at Austin's window, seeing his curtains are closed. His car pulls into his driveway and I climb back into my room, shutting it and peeking through the curtains. I see him get out, one of his groupies following after him. I know I shouldn't, but I feel even more upset. Maybe if it wasn't her I'd be more okay with it, but I honestly have no room to talk n

I let someone else kiss me, when I didn't even let Austin.