An Even Fifteen (Fili x reader)

(44) Trust

Word spread quickly that a new heir to the line of Durin was imminent. Fili was near to bursting with pride, though he did try to be modest. The cheers when you walked into any public hall, or the knowing smiles of the women you passed while walking through Erebor did not grow any less strange the more you heard them, but you learned to ignore them, or smile politely enough that they would not feel obligated to speak with you.

In truth, you were no glowing mother-to-be. You were irritable, and achy, and constantly hungry. It was easy to blame Fili for these unfortunate feelings, but you often had to remind yourself that the child was a blessing, and the feelings would pass. And they always did pass. But the joys of the dreams you fostered for your child did not pass. In fact, with each day, they grew stronger. Would your child be a girl, according to your instinct, or would it be a boy after his father? Would they prefer the mines and dark tunnels of Erebor, or would they crave the forest the way you did, even now? Would they be a daring adventurer, or a quiet scholar?

You would love the child, however he or she would come to be. You loved the child, even now. You and Fili both did. Your moments before sleep were filled with murmurings to the little life growing within you; lullabies sung in darkness, promises you would keep until your dying breath, and always the affectionate touch of your belly before sleep claimed you from your hands and Fili's.

You knew he would be an excellent father. Your only doubts on that front were for yourself. Would you be the mother this child needed? Would you be able to keep your promise of being there for them, no matter what? What had happened to your parents was entirely out of their control-- what if something like that happened to you? You turned these thoughts over and over in your head, biding your time to discuss them with your husband, who was so busy and so concerned already that you loathed to add to his burden.

In truth, you thought he was, perhaps, too concerned. At first his coddling of you had been endearing, reminding you of the time after the Battle when he had helped you back to health. But after a month or so of his protective behaviors, you were beginning to grow tired of it. You were able to bear another month of it before snapping entirely.

It happened after a long day of particularly tedious council meetings. You had planned to go to the kitchens and help distribute foods to the dwarves that had not fared so well since the end of winter, but Fili had spent the entire day trying to dissuade you. He feared you would catch a cold, he said, or slip on the stairs and hurt yourself. But always was the underlying fear that you would hurt the baby, too. Or worse, lose the baby.

He never said it out loud. He knew better than that. But the fear was in his eyes every time he glanced at your swelling belly as he expressed his concerns. You understood his fear, you truly did. How would either of you survive if something so wonderful, so precious, were to be torn away? He had known his share of loss, you knew, and the last thing you wanted to do was to add to those losses. But you had born enough of his circling and coddling. When he tried to insist on carrying you up a set of stairs, away from the kitchen and to your room for a "nice rest", you decided that you could take no more.

"Enough!" You said quietly, firmly, willing him to listen to you. You did not often disagree with him, especially regarding your relationship, but you were irritable and able to hold your tongue no longer. Your back ached more than usual, and the pain spurred your anger at his attitude.

Fili blinked in surprise, his outstretched hand frozen in the air between you.

"I love you, husband," you said carefully, trying to keep your temper from sending words from your lips that you would regret, "but this is too much. Am I made of porcelain? Am I a sickly waif that you must shield from the slightest duty?" You scoffed. "I am not only your wife, and the mother of your future child, but I am a human being. And a princess, nonetheless." You punctuated the statement by poking your husband in the chest. His broad, muscled, firm... No, you wouldn't get distracted! This was important!

You huffed and retracted your hand, determined to focus. "I have duties I must attend to. And you need to trust me enough to let me attend to them."

His brow furrowed. "Of course I trust you!"

You winced. "It does not feel like trust when you question my every step, and hover behind me if I insist on doing something you deem even slightly dangerous, like walking up stairs by myself!" You sighed at the hurt in his eyes, and brushed your hand over yours. You did not want to hurt him, you just wanted a little space to breathe. "I am as much a parent of this child as you are, my love. More, possibly." You laughed a little, glancing down at your rounded belly. "And that means I am just as dedicated to this child's welfare as you are."

Fili reached out to pull your hand from your face, clasping your cheeks between his broad, calloused palms. "I know, amralime. I know you are," he whispered roughly.

"Then show me that you know." Imploringly, you met his eyes. "Let me live normally. Even if I am pregnant." Fili sighed, acceptance lowering his tight shoulders. "I promise to be careful with our little one, and hear your concerns if you think something is truly dangerous, if you promise to give me room to move. To breathe."

"I do promise," Fili said, and a weight lifted from your heart. "But you are wrong that I do not trust you. You are wrong that I just worry for our child." His hand drifted down to rub your belly, then curl around your waist to pull you closer. "I worry for you. You are the only wife I have. If something went wrong, and I lost you..." his voice closed and he twisted his mouth as if to fight tears.

Your heart cracked at that. You knew, at least, where this was coming from. "You shall not lose me," you declared. "Now or ever. At least, not if I can prevent it. I know you remember the Battle. I know it hurt you to watch me fade like that. But I am here now. I survived." Fili's breath shuddered out of his body. You wondered that he had hid this lingering fear so well from you. He had not had nightmares in a long while, but perhaps this was a fear that could live in the daylight as well as the starlight. In either case, it must be quelled, especially with a child on the way. He needed to feel free of such guilt and worry so he could enjoy the child.

"I survived," you whispered with force, hoping somehow to sear those words into his heart so that they would rise above any fear.

"You did, my brave and beautiful wife," he replied, as if he was beginning to believe the words.

"And our child is the best of our bravery and strength. I think she will survive a little living on her mother's behalf," you said with a wry smile. Fili had not smiled enough today.

His answering grin was the balm to your chafed and sore spirit. "You said 'she' again," he pointed out. You refrained from rolling your eyes at his astute observation. "I still say it will be a boy."

You snorted. "How is your list of names coming along, by the way?"

"My list or my mother's list?" Fili chuckled, taking your arm and walking with you, this time towards the kitchen as you had planned earlier. "At this rate I almost feel she has more opinions than I do on the matter."

"I care less for her opinions than yours," you murmured, and Fili laughed aloud.

"Just don't let her hear you say that."

A/N: I'm not quite sure how I feel about this chapter, but here it is! I hope you guys enjoyed it, and I want to thank all of you, as usual, for reading and commenting and voting. The comments really do make my day, and the voting is a big encouragement. This book has received way more attention than I thought it ever would, so I really appreciate that, too. Anyway, I'm thinking about doing the next chapter from Fili's POV. Would you guys like that, or should I stick with your POV?

Thanks again!
--RA