Erroneous (Andy Biersack)

Chapter 37

~Andy Biersack~

Cigarette smoke surrounded me as I took one drag after another. It's been three days since Danny's party and I haven't been able to sleep since. I've been so stressed. Juliet had told her fans we were married and put a video on YouTube about all the cheating and lying and everything that's happened since, including the fight and Jade and I's enagement, the video of Ronnie hitting Jade had gone viral and he and I were both pissed about it, Jade hasn't really talked to me since the Halloween party, Ashley's been in a bad mood since Olivia went home because her parents saw the video of Ronnie and I and he's not going to be able to see his daughter as soon as he wanted due to her grandmother taking her to Hawaii to meet family for Thanksgiving, Falling In Reverse fans are all over Jade and I, saying that my girlfriend deserved it and making up bogus rumors, our army is defending us but, most of the fans are pissed because Jade and I hadn't announced our engagement and they had to hear it from my ex girlfriend. It's all a big mess.
It was now 3 a.m. and I was still sitting on the top of the tour bus. An empty carton of cigarettes sat beside me as I smoked my last one. It was below 40 degrees but, I was numb to the fact. I was just thinking. At the moment, I honestly just wanted to go jump off a bridge and be with my mother, but I wouldn't do that. I couldn't understand why Jade was mad at me. For the last three days, she's been spending all her time in Christian's bunk talking to Liv on the phone, eating, and smoking. Jess had gone home when we had the three day break since her due date was approaching and Jade was now the only girl on the bus although she was hardly ever seen.
I worried about her. I knew she was taking the whole thing with Juliet pretty hard. Her face must be hurting too. I took a sip of beer, throwing my stubby cigarette off the bus. I hated the fact that she was excluding herself from everything. Of course it hurt that she didn't want to talk to me, but I wished that she would just talk to someone about what was going on. I doubted she was talking to Olivia about her problems. They hadn't known each other long and unless you're Ashley Purdy, it takes a little while to gain Jade's trust. She wasn't the shy girl she was before I was in the picture, but some wounds never heal and the trust issues were still with my princess. I figured they always would be. Jade usually kept everything in until she broke and I really didn't want that to happen. It takes a long time to put someone like her back together.
Maybe if Ashley wasn't so down he'd be making some kind of effort to get her out and about, but he was a mess. Unlike Jade, he'd talked to all of us about it. Olivia's parents were apparently very cautious people and didn't ever really agree with Ashley in the first place. Liv was 26, but her parents were her parents and she still listened to them. He was worried that he wouldn't be able to see her anymore. They'd been together for about two months. Ashley knew it would break Ginger's little heart to never see Olivia again. She wouldn't understand. Ashley was kind of just moping around and sometimes calling his girlfriend. I told him I was worried about Jade. He said he would try to talk to her, but I don't think it's going to happen. I wasn't sure I wanted Ashley around her as sad as he was. It would probably just make all of it worse.
Suddenly, I heard the bus door close softly and lots and lots of sniffling. Then, I heard the old ladder on the back of the bus creak. It wasn't particularly safe to be on. The higher the person got, I realized whoever it was was crying. I looked over and saw Jade coming up on top of the bus, holding a blanket and her cigarettes. She got up and stood up, not noticing me. I hated life even more now. She was crying and was in pain and I hated it. I hated Ronnie Radke and I hated Juliet Simms and I hated everyone who was making her feel this way, and if one of those people were me, I hated myself.
She looked up and gasped, "I-I'm sorry. I didn't know you were up here. I can g-go."
"No, it's okay. I can leave." I stood up and started towards the ladder. When I could see her better, I could see that the left side of her face was badly bruised. I gritted my teeth and was half-way to the ground when I heard Jade's voice.
"Andy?"
I stopped and Jade looked down at me. "Will you stay with me?" I nodded and started back up, although I didn't know if she wanted me to stay because she wanted to be with me, or because she hated the dark and it was nearly pitch black out here, but I didn't care. I was just happy to see mu girlfriend, despite the fact she was crying like hell. I noticed she was wearing my Batman t-shirt even thought it was freezing cold out here. I guess she saw me looking and she smiled a little, "I haven't taken it off in three days."
I sat down on the edge of the bus and Jade sat down, wrapping her giant red blanket that her dad had gotten her for Christmas years ago around both of our shoulders. I sighed an she lit a cigarette. We were silent as she smoked. She wasn't crying anymore. Actually, maybe she was, but I didn't know because I couldn't look at her. It killed me. I inhaled the second hand smoke and sighed. She threw her cigarette off the bus, putting it out first, nearly burning herself. She wiped the back of her hand across her face before asking, "What are we going to do?"
I dared to put an arm around her. "I don't know." I was victorious when Jade didn't move my arm, but instead moved closer.
Jade sighed, "Why is everything so fucking hard?" She scooted back from the edge of the bus and I followed her. She laid flat on her back and I obviously laid beside her pulling her blanket over both of us. She mumbled something and rolled over to lay half on top of me.
"I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like everything is falling apart," she said.
I put an arm around her, "I know. Nothing is right."
"We can't be happy," she sighed. "I just don't know why all the odds are always so against us."
I shrugged slightly, "Look on the bright side, all of this will make our relationship stronger when we get through this."
"If we get through this," she muttered.
"We will," I assured her.
She rolled off me and stared up at the stars. "I honestly never thought my sister could sink so low, you know? That she could be the reason I'm not happy."
"We really hurt her, Jade," I sighed. "We didn't giver her much time to cope. She loves you, she's just in a rough place babe."
"Don't defend her," Jade grumbled.
"Jade, I know we've got a lot going on right now, but you don't seem fine. You haven't for about two months now. You've not been yourself. Are you okay?"
She nodded, "I'm fine."
"Listen to me. Don't lie to me. I love you and I care about what's bothering you. Don't tell me you're fine if you're not. It's okay to be vulnerable and fragile with me. I understand what it's like going through what you go through. I know your past and I know how easy it is for you to get like this, but if you're honest with me I know your future, too. You'll be happy because we'll get through whatever this is together. I can't read your mind, baby. Give me a chance to understand, a chance to listen. Just let me be here for you and love you Jade," I said seriously.
Jade sighed and sat up. "Honestly, I feel like I can't be happy with you anymore. There's always something stopping us. We fought it before when Juliet didn't know. I have no reason to believe that we couldn't do it again, but Andy, it really takes a toll on both of us. There just comes a time when you're ready to stop trying and fighting and are just ready to settle down and be happy." Her blue eyes burned into mine. "I will never understand why Juliet is acting the way she is, but you're right. She's angry and sad and she doesn't know what to do with herself. We kind of rushed into everything and didn't give anyone much time, not even ourselves. And the whole marriage thing. You tell me I can always be honest with you and I know I can but, it's hard telling you some things. Truthfully, I'm not ready for marriage. I'm just not sure I want to be tied down so early in life. You and I are meant to be together, and I know that. You know that. Everyone needs a break though, Andy. We were doing so well but, it never lasts long enough. When I'm with you, I have plenty of happy moments and memories, but I'm not truly happy. I haven't shaved in three weeks because I'm terrified to pick up a razor. I love you Andy, I really do, but I think we both need a little time. If you think about it, we rushed our whole entire relationship because both of us were so afraid that it would all end as soon as Juliet found out. We never got to know each other. Seriously, Andy, what's my favorite color?"
"...Red?" I guessed.
She smiled, "It's green."
"Oh."
"Do you see what I mean?" I nodded an she continued, "I still want to spend the holidays together but, as friends. I'm not taking my ring off because there will come a time when we can be happy, but now is just not it."
I sighed, "I'm only agreeing to this because I love you and I want you to be happy, but promise me one thing?"
"Anything," Jade smiled.
"You'll always, no matter what, stand by my side and be my best friend. I love you way to much to lose you, Jade," I told her.
She nodded, "I promise as long as you promise me the same. I love you."
"I promise."
"Pinky promise?" I smiled and watched Jade stick out her finger like a child.
And when my finger locked with her own, I knew that this girl, with or without the label of being my girlfriend, would always be all I needed. She was my everything. I pulled her into my chest and kissed the top of Jade's head. I loved this girl with everything I had and I was never letting her go.