Jigsaw (NaNoWriMo13)

Eight

We sit opposite ends of the sofa. Neither of us are keen to address the elephant in the room. My inadvertent breakdown after Tanya's revelation last night has somewhat resulted in some awkwardness. After waking up in Evans arms, still feeling numb and out of it, the awkwardness had descended upon us like a kettle of vultures.

Evan looks especially awkward, throwing me glances every five minutes as if he doesn't quite know what to say. His hands sit uselessly by him on the sofa and his leg is jogging up and down, a sure sign that he is nervous.

“Lily,” Evan says, at the same time I say “Evan,”

We give each other an appreciative smile as the awkwardness mounts. I don't quite know where to begin. Part of me thinks that Evan deserves to know everything, but another part of me, the more realistic part of me thinks that maybe he wouldn't give two shits.

“You first,” he says nervously, nodding his head at me.

It occurs to me that he is not going to broach the subject, he is going to leave that uncomfortable task up to me. I take a deep breath and finally face him, clutching my violently shaking hands under my bum so that Evan can't see. He sees but silently shrugs it off.

“About last night,” I say slowly, not daring to look at him. Instead, I stare down at my lap, taking great interest in the loose thread on the seam of my jeans.

“What about it?” Evan feigns great interest in the cracked plastic chandelier hanging above us.

I almost smile at his discomfort. He obviously isn't used to dealing with emotions or heart to hearts. Having never had any sort of relationship – platonic or otherwise – with a male, since I was a child, I don't know the first thing about the male species so I couldn't say if all males are the same.

“I feel like I should give you the full story,” I finally sigh, still finding too much interest in the my denim clad legs.

Evans leg is now jogging so violently that the sofa is gently vibrating. He is resolutely looking at the ceiling, and biting down on his bottom lip. I ignore the swooping in my stomach and settle back into my lumpy sofa as I wait for an answer.

“You don't have to,” he finally says, voice strangely dull, a far cry from the usual cheerful tone. “It's your past, Tanya shouldn't have said anything.”

I nod softly, hurt that maybe he doesn't actually want to know and only chased after me yesterday out of some misplaced inclination. Evans eyes finally meet mine and they are closed, guarded.

“I know,” I finally say. “But I think you deserve to know.”

Evan smiles slightly, a barely there smile but a smile nonetheless. “When you're ready, then,” he says awkwardly.

I sigh and tuck my legs under my body. I bow my head and allow my hair to fall into my face as I begin to speak.

"I guess I should start when my parents met. My Mum suffered from Bipolar Disorder and my dad had Major Depressive Disorder. They met at a support group for people with permanent mental health problems. Both of them were suffering with their conditions and struggling to get them under control. My mum was in one of her ‘low’ moods and my dad, well; he was always in a ‘low’ mood. It’s funny, because they helped each other more than the support group ever did. I guess being surrounded by all those ill people didn’t really help.

“It didn’t take them long to fall in love. It's like one of them cheesy romance novels, really. They helped each other through the worst of their problems. When one was hospitalized because of their condition, the other would visit the other every day. They became each other’s medicine. I think they’d been together for about three years, and my dad proposed on a ferry to Ireland, because that where he’s from. My mum said yes... Obviously and they got married not long after. They found out they were having me not long after that and I guess that, that’s when things started to go downhill. I was born about seven months later, I was premature and had a hole in my heart, so I guess it took its toll on them...” I look down, feeling the guilt wash over me for the first time since I found out.