Jigsaw (NaNoWriMo13)

Thirty Two

Whew! Finally. Got an update for you! Not my best, but this is a pretty irrelevant chapter if you really think about it. Thank you thank you to everyone that has voted for it so far! Please further show your support by commenting. Even if it's to tell me you hated it! 

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A long time ago; I think I was about ten, I liked to read. And I mean a lot! This was a time before I understood my parents were sick. Before I knew what mental illness was and that my parents weren't normal. Aunt Sally bought me a box set of Harry Potter's and I was over the moon. This was the first gift I had ever been given, and I spent many nights, huddled under my covers for warmth with Dad's old flash light shining on the pages as I got lost in the world of witches and wizards, good and evil. I read those books, over and over again, until the pages were yellow and dog eared, and the spine was crumpled state.

I'd found a way to escape, into a world of make believe. I wish I still had that world now.

I look around the station without much interest. It's hard to believe that this is the last time I will ever see London. In all its smoggy, traffic ridden glory. Hard to believe that I will not walk the streets or kiss Evan under the street light. Sinking down onto a bench at the edge of the platform, I rest my feet on my suitcase, which now contains my entire home and stare up at the wooden beams that hold up the ceiling of Clapham Junction Train Station.

My heart feels non-existent in my chest and the people around me barely seem to exist as I stare into a great nothingness, waiting for the train to rumble along and take me back to Wales, back to where it all began. It feels so strange, so big and terrifying to be going back to my old country, where my demons still hide, consumed by the shadows that constantly chase me, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce and drag me to the darkness.

And yet as the train rumbles into the station and I step off of the platform and onto the carriage, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment. I had spent several hours, curled up at the foot of my bed, going back and forth. Telling myself that this was the right thing to do, that everyone would be better off without me. But it doesn't stop cold, shaky feeling that takes over my body as I sink down into my seat, watching as London bleeds away for the last time.

I screw my eyes shut, pushing down on them with my palms. The carriage is relatively empty save for a middle aged man in a neon yellow anorak, and a young mum, clutching at a snotty nosed toddler while she hammers away at her mobile phone. Sighing, I lean my head against the grimy train windows, looking at but not seeing the passing countryside.

It should have been so easy. When I came to London, I thought I'd leave everything behind me. But I guess I didn't account for Tanya, who seems to hate me, and Dave who popped up out of nowhere. And in a sick sort of way, Evan. He was amazing, beautiful and everything I wanted to be. But he poisoned my mind, got me addicted to something that would never be mine. He gave me false hope in a hopeless situation.

“Are you okay, mate?” I feel my eyes flutter open, bringing with a barrage of unwanted tears that have been gathering behind my closed eyes.

I blink at the girl, the one with the whining toddler and smile weakly at her. She looks concerned, something that surprises me quite a bit.

“Uh, yeah. I'm fine.” I blush slightly and turn my head away from her, electing instead to stare at an advert for life insurance.

Her eyes burn a hole in the side of my head and I want to snap at her, to tell her that staring is rude. But I bite my tongue. She is only trying to be kind, be the good citizen after all. But as the train rumbles to its first stop, I can feel my patience slipping. The baby hasn't stopped crying since London and the girls desperate attempts to soothe her crying baby are grating my nerves.