Jigsaw (NaNoWriMo13)

Fourteen

Guys, I am so sorry! I wanted to update this every day, but I didn't bank on my internet failing! It won't be sorted until next monday. So I'm having to post this on my phone to post the next few chapters. If you like it, please like, comment vote and share! It would mean the world!

The revelation hits me like a tonne of bricks. I can't be in love with him. It's just impossible. But then I remember the way he makes me feel, the way my heart flips when he says my name, the way my skin pops up with goosebumps if he so much as brushes against me. I can't stop thinking about him. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, he is the only thing on my mind.

When I go to bed at night, I can't sleep for imagining scenarios with Evan in my head. Each one more pleasant than the last. He's the thing that wakes me up in the morning, the one who keeps me going, no matter what crap life decides to throw at me. I knew I liked Evan from the moment I set eyes on him all those months ago, I always did really. I guess I was just too blind to realise I was falling for the man who slept in the other room. It feels more than just physical attraction, but there's certainly that. It's more powerful and intense, and I have no idea how to deal with.

I mean I know that he likes me. He's said as much himself. He purposely puts himself out of his way to make sure I am safe and happy. The amount of times he's held me and let me cry away my pain is unreal. He never complains, he just holds me, and tries his best to make me feel better about my shitty life.

But I don't know if he loves me. Or is even falling in love with me. It's never came up, and realistically, why would it? We've only just discovered the other's feelings, why would we confess a passionate, undying love for each other. We aren't even together yet.

Yet.

That thought sends a small shiver through me. The thought of Evan and I being in a relationship appeals to all sides of me, good and bad. It's not just the physical side of our not-yet-existent relationship. It's the emotional side. To be there for him, and him to be there for me. To fall asleep in each other's arms. Long, deep conversations like the one we had on the hill as we watched the stars.

But it can't happen. How could it possibly, when I have some crazy person going after me, writing threatening messages on my door? What if they hurt Evan? My stomach roils at the very thought. No, I have to distance myself. This person, and I have a vague idea who it is, can't know about Evan. I can't let them hurt him. Though it hurts, I'll do everything I can to keep him safe. Even if it means trying to stay away from him.

I say trying because I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I've got to do it. And if Evan finds another girl and move on, I'll try to be happy for him. That thought makes me physically sick. But I have to do it. No matter how much it hurts, Evan is better off not falling in love with me. It's safer this way.

It kills me. It absolutely kills me. But I leave the flat without saying goodbye to him. I'll see him later today. I'll give him an excuse to why I had to leave, and then I'll distance myself from him. He will stay my boss and I will stay his employee. I'll watch him fall in love with another woman, one more worthy of his love. I have to do this. For Evan. I don't know why I didn't think of this yesterday, while we were having fun. But I guess the shock from Evan getting hurt left little room for anything else.

I just wanted to take care of him. I wanted to comfort him. Now, I guess he'll have to find someone else. I can't let anyone feel about how I feel for Evan. I am doing this for him. I don't realise I am crying until I feel the salty moisture slide down my cheek. I wipe it away impatiently as I feel the tears falling down my face, but they just continue to fall. In the end, I give up and just walk with my head bowed, watching as the tears fall to the cracked and dirty pavement.