Jigsaw (NaNoWriMo13)

Twenty Seven

New Years Eve comes surprisingly quickly. It doesn't even feel like yesterday that we were celebrating Christmas in Anna's living room. In fact, this whole year seems to have passed me by, though admittedly it is by far better than the two previous two years. For the first time in well.... Forever, I am actually looking forward to the new year. I am optimistic even.

I don't know whether it is because every time I look at Evan, I feel hope blossom within me, or the fact that for the very first time, I am actually happy in my life. Talking to Evan that Christmas, comforting him about his father, has given me a new outlook on my own parents, and even slightly loosely allowed me to see the reason behind their suicides. Because I have felt that way many times myself, like there is no other option, like the world would be better off without me. Many a days, I used to lay on my bed, listening to the rain and fantasize about death coming for me as I slept. Not that I did much of that back then.

In a way, I hated my parents. Hated them for leaving me, for being selfish and ending their lives and leaving me this way. No matter how much I thought about it, the hurt got in the way too much, and I just couldn't forgive them for leaving me alone. But now, with Evan, and Evans family and Leah, who has been texting me all weekend, I have finally started to move on. I will never completely get over them, Mum.... And who I thought was my dad (this hurts more every time I think about it) were always there, despite their illness, they were still my parents and I still loved them. I was only eighteen when they died, nineteen when I moved to London, still raw from their deaths.

“Lily. Hello? How about it then?” Tiffany is sitting cross legged on the foot of mine and Evans bed, playing with the garish yellow comforter.

I blink. Huh?

“Party. Tonight! My friend Chad is hosting a New Years party!” she squeals excitedly and jumps up and down on the bed.

I bite my lip. “I don't know...” I say.

I haven't been to a party in such a long time. Since I was seventeen to be exact. I used to go out partying all the time, get drunk, high and whatever else. Throw myself into the crowds of heaving bodies and move my body to the music. But now, well I have changed a lot. The thought of doing that now makes me shudder in disgust. What was I ever thinking?

“Aw, come on. It'll be wicked!” Tiffany falls forwards on her knees and holds her hands in a praying motion.

“Pleaaaaaase?” she pouts her lips and tilts her head to the side as if that will make any difference.

“Fine,” I relent. “but Evan is coming too.”

Tiffany rolls her eyes. “Well, duh! Chad is Evans best friend.”

I am brought up short. Evan has never mentioned any of his friends, or made an effort to introduce me to them. Maybe he is ashamed of me? I mean I am a crybaby, weak and pathetic. I think when he met me I was shaky, twitchy and jumpy, crying at the slightest thing. No wonder he would be ashamed of me.

“You all right, Lils?” Tiffany asks, tilting her head to the side in concern.

I nod. “I'm fine. And don't call me Lils. I sound like a soft drink.”

Tiffany snorts with laughter and shakes her head, her brown curls flying around her head. She brings her chin to her knees and wraps her skinny arms around her legs. Her green eyes watch me, sparkling with mischief, as is always the way with Tiffany. “Sorry! Anyway, you're going to borrow some of my clothes, there's no way you're going to be wearing that.”

She looks my outfit up and down which consists of baggy blue jeans, a blue knitted cardigan and baseball boots that admittedly have seen better days. “What's wrong with it?” I say scandalized, wrapping my arms around my body.