Jigsaw (NaNoWriMo13)

Thirty Three

It's funny; the things you'd do to protect the one you love. To keep them safe from harm, to keep them relatively happy. I'm slowly realising that I would do anything for Evan, even if it doesn't benefit me. Because I was a selfish partner., only really focusing on my own needs. But now faced with the dark reality of life without Evan, I can't help but to dwell on my shortcomings. Which ultimately ended in my downfall.

If there ever was to be one.

I sigh and sink my feet into the cold sand, imagining that I can feel the individual grains rubbing against my toes, falling through the gaps to land on the soft sand beneath my feet. The salty spray splashes my skin as I navigate slowly through the surf, shuddering as the icy waves lap over my feet. But I welcome the cold. In a weird way, it clears my mind, helps me to think better than I have in weeks. Because it's been two weeks, an uneventful, monotonous torturous two weeks of second guessing and spur of the moment decisions that didn't bode well in the end.

My money's running out now. After buying food, sanitary supplies and a new cheap mobile phone after my foolish burst of anger that resulted in the previous one being broken. Fear starts to kick in now. Pretty soon, I’ll run out of money and I'll have to leave the cosy little b&b with the warm red walls and the bright green bedspreads. With the hot buttered toast in the morning and smoked salmon in hot, fresh rolls. If I don't find a job and soon, then I'll be homeless. Or worse, I'd have to go back to London. And this whole starting afresh mission will fail miserably.

No. I can't go back to London. Wales is my home now, or Curfan to be exact. There must be a small shop that is looking for staff, and it will be easy enough to find a flat. Especially in a tiny seaside town like this, with a grand total of five hundred residents, including the animals. Of which Curfan seems to have a lot. But it's tempting; oh so tempting to just ditch the little b&b, to sell all of my belongings and just get the first train back to London.

I just want to go back. Back to Evan. I want him to wrap his arms around me and run his fingers through my hair; to feel his hot breath on my necks as his lips work soothingly over my jaw; to feel all of him, every inch of his body and take him to a higher plain of pleasure, of desire. To hear him whisper my name in the dead of the night, when the only light is the opalescent glow of the moon, burning through the gap in Evans blue curtains. For our arms and legs to be intertwined, hearts beating a steady rhythm, beating for him; beating for me.

But it doesn't work like that. Evan deserves better. He deserves someone that can make him happy. Someone that can make his eyes light up and his dimples pop as he smiles. Someone that he can talk to when there is nothing. Just darkness. That person who can become a beacon of light in a storm of thick, churning fog. I've accepted it now. I'm not that person. It was great while it lasted, but I should stop and let Evan move on.

The roar of the sea crashing against the craggy outcrop of rocks, blurs in with the melancholy wailing of the wind, accompanied by the squaw of the seagulls as they swoop and soar into the steely, grey depths of the oceans, fishing for their prey. That's what I am. A small and insignificant pray to a fierce, fathomless predator in an unforgiving ocean. I look out at the ocean, at the distant rise of land and of the single cargo ship, being tossed around by the stormy waves in the distance. For a long time, I just stop and stare, watching the little boat, so small really in the grand scheme of things chug slowly through the waters. Seemingly indifferent to the towering waves that slap against its hull.

“It's beautiful isn't it?”

I jump and nearly lose my footing on the wet sand, sure to fall into the salty waves. Blushing slightly, I turn round and find myself face to face with a very naked, very toned chest. Leading up to a thick neck and a square face. He's not good looking by anyone's standards, with quite plain features. But its his eyes that seem to break up his face. A breathtaking warm blue that I could only ever dream of owning. At the moment, those eyes are narrowed in amusement as I continue to stare in amusement.