Hell in my eyes!

Hell in my eyes! [Chapter 04: Loneliness, Street 16]

"I didn't know we were back together!"  Those were the exact words I can remember that came from Alex's mouth. Those were the exact words that made me want to choke Aaron to death. Sadly, though, I don't give a fuck. I don't care about anything anymore.

 Shortly after my embarrassing breakdown to Alex, he had suddenly become bisexual. His lover? Aaron himself, of course.But who could blame them? Like I mentioned before, I have no sex appeal what so ever. There is nothing attractive about me. At least I can say I make straight guys go homosexual and actually mean it!

When I found that out, I didn't laugh nor cry. To my dismay and shock, I simply nodded and said: "I understand but I don’t really care so I’m fine."

I still hate myself for that. How could I be so stupid, if I had told him… Nah, nothing would change!

Loneliness is a very powerful emotion. It can lead to depression, illness, even suicide. Although it may often hit the old, sick or handicapped people, it is very common among young people too. That’s what I felt at that hell of a moment. From the sex angle if we do not have such a relationship, we feel a failure. Or we try to find meaning in these relationships, but often fail. And if these relationships are private and closed, leaving no room for other friendships, then when they end, we have no 'real', 'ordinary' friends to turn to.

Surprisingly, it is not only the quiet, shy, people, who may feel loneliness. It can also be the sort of person who is the 'life and soul of the party' - always joking, laughing, apparently out-going, yet afraid to really connect with others - holding other people away at arm's length. They may seem to have lots of friends, but inside they are hurting. These people have often been damaged as children by sexual or emotional abuse.

I used to play Russian roulette with a single chamber loaded. Why? Not quite sure, my upbringing was tainted as everything else, but I somehow made it to twenty-four. While I prefer to be alone -that’s what I thought at that time- I can become dangerous to myself within my mind. Suicide is always on my mind but I am not inclined to give in to it so easily. I toy with the thought but I won't cross that line. At least not yet... I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left...

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I continued sitting on the rusted, metal bench, ignoring the pains it was giving my ass. I continued to ignore it until the sky grew dark, and the crowds of people grew to a small few. I stood up and dragged my luggage with my guitar case down to the all-too-familiar telephone booth. A gruff sigh escaped my lips, yet as disrespectful as it was to my mood, I was actually grateful. Grateful for the money. Grateful for my safety. Grateful for the cool air, which was definitely better than the hot sun that had somehow forgotten to burn me to the crisp this time. I put two quarters into the payphone and pressed in the buttons to the club.  

After a brief discussion with Logan, my boss, I was free to go and to think he'd actually believe I was sick! I swung open the door of the booth and sauntered cautiously down the dark road; the moon and distant streetlights were my only guide through the shaded area that some actually considered home.

After a mile of shallow pants and bumpy surfaces, plus the conclusion that I was not going to eat, I had finally reached my destination, Street 16. Let me tell you, that wasn't the street's real name, but rather the dumpster's name. Why? Only god knows. It was the same dumpster my drunken brother and I would often end up camping behind. We learned to ignore the stench eventually. As tense as I was, I managed to curl up behind the haunting wasteland. The hairs on the back of my neck stuck straight up the entire night, and my shoulder was throbbing from the pains of leaning my bodyweight on it. My bands stuck to my forehead like sticky glue, and my arms clung tight to my knees that nudge my chest every so often. I was restless, and this time, I had nobody to whisper my fears and wildest dreams to.

Nobody to keep me from being scared… Nobody to keep me from slowly dying inside…