Will We Ever See the End? (Fransykes)

This Will Be The End Of Us

"I-Im sorry" I said, letting my voice cut through the surrounding silence. Even as I spoke those words, I didn't sound like myself. I was something different entirely. I was a rapist, and a monster. The good Side was back. I knew it was my fault, he never deserved to pay but now I definitely did.

I reached out to touch him, but I immediately pulled my hand back when he flinched and started to shake. He didn't even want me to lay a hand on him. He acted like I burned him with just my touch. I had broken him and severed any tie between us. I was nothing but an object of hatred in his eyes, and unfortunately in mine, all he became was a mistake I lived over and over.

"Oli... I need to go." He said, his voice hoarse and broken through his sobs. I could hear what I had done to him, in every broken syllable and how hard it was for him to say my name. I doubt he could even look me in the eye, and I really didn't blame him.

"I-I wont say anything to anyone. And... I will perform the song with you, other then that.... just please don't speak to me.. this will be the end of us" he said as he finally looked into my eyes, and some part of me wishes he hadn't. His blue eyes becoming just that much more beautiful with the tint his tears brought to them. I swear to God in that moment I was stabbed in the chest, or shot through the heart, it must have been something. This pain felt so physical, it couldn't have just been in my head. You could see how broken he was in his eyes, the brokenness I caused. I didn't even deserve to be in the same room as this perfect angel that I defiled, let alone to speak to him again. It was a lapse of judgment, I mad a mistake and I let my anger take control. All excuses I had used before, but somehow this time I figured that wouldn't be enough. I knew it wouldn't be. I was worthless and my actions had finally made him realize. He promised he would never see me as less than perfect, but then again, I promised I would never hurt him. I guess we're both dirty liars. I was just a thousand times more dirty and disgusting

As he walked out the door of our hotel room, and the weight of what I had done fully settled on me. It became hard to breathe, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I wanted to scream, cry, and punch everything around me. I screwed my eyes shut, chanting to myself that I need to wake up. I needed to wake up because there was no way this was real, I had to be dreaming. I couldn't have done that to him, I just had to wake up and he would be in my arms again. None of this was real.

Slowly The fog over my thoughts and emotions seemed to fade away just to be replaced by an even stronger headache and a stabbing pain in my chest. I could still barely breathe and now that I was alone it only became worse. I was horrid, terrible, worthless, evil. I deserved not only death, but so much fucking worse.

All I could think of was how I was supposed to protect him, I was supposed to be there for him. I would protect him from others, and he would save me from myself, that was the deal. We were in love, and I thought everything was fine. I was so blind; I couldn't protect Josh from myself, and now he's not here to save me from me. I'm a monster, I was the problem all along. I'm going to fall away and I deserve it.

I opened my eyes, letting out a labored breath and walked over to the bed, letting myself fall back into the puffy sheets, the air beeing pushed out of them as I landed. I moved, on my side, brining my knees to my chest as tears started to leak out of my eyes. I hated myself. What was I doing? Crying? Why? I was a monster. What was I doing crying when I hurt him? I mean, I obviously had no empathy, if I did none of this would have happened.. I'm so pathetic.

I registered in the back of my mind the sound of rain on the widow opposite of me. I stopped thinking, I just listened. I listened to the world outside getting reborn. All the dirt and grim and mistakes of the past getting washed away. I briefly wondered where josh was; if he was out in this rain. I wondered if I ran outside and we both were washed clean together if it could change something, anything. As if the rain could wash away the worst most evil parts of me, and the most broken, beaten parts of him. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. A storm can't wash away your mistakes and more often than not you can't even fix them. The world isn't made of miracles and second chances.