boyfriend ✧ joshler

.8.

JOSH'S POV

i didn't play the drums. i had the set since i was as young as i can remember, but i didn't play it. it used to be my passion, i would come home from school and i would play them until i couldn't feel my arms and kept playing. i didn't really use anymore, only when i needed to express something or i wanted to work out my arms without weights.

i started playing them again when i met tyler.

i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. maybe i was trying to say i liked him, or maybe i was trying to say i was angry. either way, i've never broken so many drumsticks in my life as i did in that time period. 

i also don't drink to the point of drunkenness, but i also did that more often, too. there was a bar i went to pretty regularly, isolated and underpopulated but it played nice music. sometimes there were teenagers from school that would come there after being kicked out of the overcrowded bars. i guess that's fine, though, because they didn't ever bother me. 

i was making a sandwich one night when jenna came down from her room. 

"aw thanks." she said grabbing the sandwich from my hand and sitting up on the counter top with her friend standing in the doorway. 

"i hope you choke on that." i said leaving to go back into the living room. the sun was almost going to set, it sent warm, still shadows through the rooms. i grabbed my phone from the arm of the chair it was set on and walked towards the door, grabbing my keys on the way. 

"where are you going?" i heard her distant, faded voice call out. 

"out." i said closing the door behind me an heading to the car. i took my time driving there, playing songs as loud as i could on my speakers with the windows down. 

i never liked driving with the windows down until i had a girlfriend who would only drive with me when the windows were down, i got used to it after a while. So, when we broke up i rolled the windows back up and missed the wind in my hair. 

a family, somber song was playing in the bar when i walked in that i faintly remembered from my punk rock albums i used to listen to. 

so as i gently slip away, this song will always stay (if you get that i literally love you but no one will lol)

i walked to the bar counter, ordering a highball scotch and walking to the booth i had become so comfortable in during the last few weeks. i pulled out my phone, staring at the voicemail's tyler left me a few days ago that i never returned to him. i wanted to, i really did, but how am i supposed to respond to him. 

josh: wyd rn

i decided to finally ask him to talk to me. i at least wanted to verify that we weren't allowed to be together face to face.

tyler: wondering why you text me after 3 days asking me what i'm doing

josh: there's a bar i want you to meet me at

tyler: what makes you think i'm not doing something

josh: well you should stop doing whatever you're doing and come to this bar we need to talk

tyler: tru

tyler: what bar is it

josh: it's the one next to that grill place with the pool on the roof

tyler: got it, heading over now

i never understood why people can't order a scotch over a quarter of the way full. i would still have to pay for multiple drinks, but i know i'm going to drink that much so why do i have to order a new drink every gulp i take?

the bell rang at the door and tyler stood in the entrance. his soft hair was full of little curls and his cheeks were flushed with pink. he was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. his eyes looked so happy when he saw me. 

"hey." he said sliding into the other side of the booth and calling over the waiter. 

"hi." i responded. 

the waiter came with a notepad in his hand, "i'll just start with a water." tyler thanked him and he walked away. "what was it you wanted to talk about, josh." 

"tyler..." i hesitated, alcohol on my breath, "w-we can't-"

"i know," he interrupted, "we can't see each other again, no one can ever know about this, i'm to young for you, you're married, jenna is somewhere in the mix of this mess and we can't continue. look, i know what i signed up for when we hooked up." 

"i'm sorry , tyler. i really would've liked this to be something." 

"no you wouldn't have. you wouldn't want to get involved with me, josh, and as much as i wanted to be with someone like you, you would've gotten sick of me after a week or so." tyler said. he looked fine when he spoke, completely unaffected. the truth is i don't know how much i was worth to him, i only know how much he was worth to me. our values of each other weren't the same, i guess. 

"are you okay?" i asked and immediately he gave out an ironic chuckle and looked into my eyes. 

"that's funny." was all he said now sipping the water he got. 

"what's funny." 

"you asked me if i'm okay. it's like asking if a sunset is only one color; it's a dumb question because we both know the answer is no."

"why not?"

"stop, josh, you're asking a question i can't answer in less than a few hours." he continuously rejected my efforts to understand until his phone buzzed on the table. he picked it up and smiled, one of the smiles you give your best friend, one of the smiles he never gave me. he locked his phone and put it in his pocket, sliding back out of the booth.

"where are you going?" i asked still sitting with my scotch in my hand watching him leave. 

"i'm going to a party with a friend." and he was gone again, in the blink of an eye, in the sip of a drink, in the tap of a toe. i missed him the second the bell stop ringing. i was so determined to end things with tyler and move on, but now all i can do is think about what could've been. 

i never update wow im sorry guys. i'm kinda leaving up to something big (hopefully) in the pretty near future so vote and comment and all that stuff, thanks for reading :) 

~rebecca :))