boyfriend ✧ joshler

.6.

*josh's POV*

"jordan?" i asked into the phone as i sat on the edge of the pool with my feet dipped in, watching the waves make patterns over my toes. 

"you sound terrible." he  responded half-laughing and half-worried. 

"i guess i do. so-" 

"yeah, i' already coming over. swimsuit or not?" he interrupted me with exactly what i wanted to say.

"yeah, im sitting by the pool now." 

"okay." he responded and there was a buzz on the line just before i put my phone back down on the ground. 

jordan only lived a few minutes away so it never took long for him to come over, but that day it felt like forever. tyler left that morning, he spent the night, we didn't do anything, i just felt uncomfortable with him going home after what happened to him and i didn't want him with anyone else. 

he appeared, closing the sliding door and walking over to the pool where i was sitting. he walked past me, though, and walked to the hot tub instead. 

"what's wrong?" he asked casually as he slipped into one end of the elevated hot tub. i followed him, hopping into the end across from him and taking a deep breath. 

"jordan..."

"josh..." he seemed so interested in what i was about to say and, of course, i had friends that i was close to but i just needed to tell someone who wasn't going to judge me and was completely impartial. 

"you remember tyler?" i asked nervously twirling my thumbs around each other under the water. 

"the teenager at the party right?" 

"yeah, well, god jordan this is going to sound so bad but we slept together." i blurted out, tired of having to keep it in. 

"oh god." was the only thing he said at first as an immediate response. it was silent for a few moments after that, the only sound of bubbles and birds before he said something else, "jenna." and a tear began to form in my eye as he said her name. 

"they went to prom together." i started to cry, i didn't want to but i did because i knew the whole time what i was doing with this teenager was wrong but i cried more of the reason that i cared more for him than i did for my own wide. i married her for god sake and i still liked a boy i hooked up with more. 

"okay, josh, just tell what happened." he remained calm while speaking. 

i took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my eyes before i started to explain, " we slept together, before we did anything else. the same night he slept with her. then he came to the party and he just looked so good, jordan, he looked so perfect. the light just hit him and he glowed. then there's a long story about his mom but he came back here with cuts and i cleaned then and we just laid in bed. he kept snapping his fingers against mine while we just talked."

"okay, why isn't he here now?" 

"i asked him how many people he slept with and he didn't answer so he left when he woke up this morning." 

"josh..." he trailed, his eyes told a story but it was a confusing one. i couldn't tell if he was mad or unhappy or just plain disappointed. 

"i'm married, jordan, i'm married and i have a legal step-daughter and i like her boyfriend." 

"but you like him?" he asked involved as anyone could ever be at this point.

"i guess."

"no, josh, do you like this guy? like do you see a future?" 

"yes, i like him, alright. i like the way he smiles, i like his confidence, i like his hair, and i like the way he breaths underneath me."

"wait, was that your first time with a guy?" he was still calm. 

"yeah..." 

"okay, well that's different. you didn't answer me though, do you see a future with him?" 

i wanted to reply to jordan right away, i wanted to say yes. i wanted to see our wedding and our house and i wanted to see  us cuddled up on the couch watching movies together on sundays, but i wanted to say no, too.  i wanted to say he was just a hook up and i didn't have feelings for him because it would be to complicated and i'm already married. 

"i don't know..." i finally respond with after i thought about our future for a few minutes. 

"have you ever thought to think about how messed up this is, josh. he's still a teenager for god sake it's barely legal for you two to be together at all. what about jenna? isn't she like in love with this boy? and have you ever thought to think about what he thinks about you? maybe he just thinks of you as another hook up and you mean nothing to him." 

"it doesn't feel like it though." i immediately defend myself against him, but all he did was give me a look, get out of the hot tub, and leave. 

i didn't leave for a while. i sat there thinking, maybe i was nothing to tyler. maybe he didn't think of me as a person, even, and i was just another person he wanted to be screwed by. his eyes were so bright, though. i couldn't stop asking myself how someone could fake that sparkle in their eyes. 

they were so pretty, his eyes. 

so like this chapter was just to explain a little bit more about josh and where he's at rn. im really, truly sorry i never update and its terrible im busy ignoring the people who want to be friends with me but complaining about not having any friends :| i will try to update tho 

~rebecca :))))))