boyfriend ✧ joshler

.15.

tylers POV

i didn't smoke a lot, it's kind of like josh with his drums, he doesn't truly play them but he still does.

when i did feel like having one, though, there was no stopping me, which is why i didn't tell people. i don't want people to tell me i shouldn't do it or that it's bad for me, i know it is, but i don't care, i didn't care when i started and i never changed.

i got the feeling while i was in english. ms. owens complaining about "this generation" and brendon not being there, i was about to give myself a nose bleed to leave and smoke. it starts with a tingle in my fingertips, then it goes everywhere in my body, and by the time that happens if i still haven't had one i start to shake.

the bell rang and, for the first time, i ran faster than all the other nerds who ran to their next class. running outside grantham hall and standing against the east wall, i pulled out my pack.

if you don't smoke you don't know that joy of sweet release, the feeling of your entire body numbing down, the hot smoke filling your lungs only for you to watch it leave in a cloud of grey.

"mr. joesph..." my hands shivered at the familiar condescending voice from around the corner, "why don't you come with me..." ms. owens cold face grinned knowing what this meant for me. this was my last strike, my final shot, this got me kicked out of high school, and she couldn't be more proud.

i grabbed my bag, zipping it up, and faced the short, elderly woman with the cigarette still in my hand.

"i would put that out if i were you." she spoke in her unwavering condescending tone again.

"why, i'm getting expelled anyway, does it really matter?"

"no, mr. joseph, you're not coming back no matter what." she laughed the type of laugh that you can't hold back as i continued to walk through the grey clouds down the hallway.

"kevin?" ms. owens called as she knocked on the principal's office door.

"yes?" he called back, standing up from his desk.

"mr. joesph..." that was all she had to say before he waved me into his office.

he shook my hand and stared at my cigarette awkwardly in shock as if he was unaware of why i was still holding onto it, but wasn't saying anything.

"tyler..." he started. I hated hearing the same voice that always rings of disappointment when someone says my name.

"look, you don't have to say anything, i know this was the last strike or whatever just give me whatever form you have to." i puffed my cigarette again.

"i'm so sorry, tyler, i-"

"just stop," i interrupted him, "come on, man, just give me the papers or something, you don't care about me."

he curled his lips inward and pulled out a small packet from the drawer of his desk and handed it to me with a pen on top. he continued not to say anything but pointed to specific places i had to sign.

"it was a pleasure," he said holding out his hand.

i looked down at his hand, "oh please, the pleasure is all yours." i scoffed walking out without shaking his hand.

i didn't have anything in my locker, i never got my textbooks because i knew i'd lose them or, well, get expelled, so all that was left was to walk out.

most people feel upset when they leave high school, even when they stay there until graduation. i did not, i didn't really have friends at that school, god how i hated the classes, and generally, i didn't try anyway. the only problem was that i don't have anything.

josh. he's all i have, but to be completely honest, i'm so tired of depending on him, i'm tired of having to stay at his class because i physically can't go anywhere else. so, of course, i had to call him. i would've wanted to call him anyway, but i didn't like the feeling of needing him. 

"babe?" his voice embraced me while i was walking to my car. 

"hey, so, i got expelled." i laughed a little, saying it outloud made it sound so bad. 

"wait, are you joking with me?" as i knew he would, he sounded shocked. 

"no..." 

"what are you gonna do?" 

"i-i," i stuttered, "i don't know, what do i have to do?" 

then, he laughed a little, "well really you don't have to do anything if you let me take care of you." 

there it was again, my dependence on him. i needed him, i didn't want to need him, i wanted to want him. 

i hung up. 

i didn't want to, but i had to, before i said yes, that he could take care of me. he can't, i can't need him. so i called brendon. 

"t-t-t-t-tyler." he sung in a rhythmatic tone. 

"where were you today?" 

"didn't feel like coming, what happened with owens?" 

"well, doesn't really matter, i don't have to go back there anymore." whenever i talked to brendon I didn't have to sound any other way than just sarcastic. so, i laughed, and i didn't have to hold back as if it was a serious topic. 

"bitch, what did she catch you doing?" he asked, completely understanding of the situation without being judgmental. 

"smoking by grantham."

"you have a car, bitch, why didn't you just skip and get off campus to smoke." 

"come on, man, you of all people know when you need one you need one." 

"what do you mean me of all people?" he laughed. we both laughed through all of our conversations, serious wasn't really our thing. 

"please, bitch, you smoke like a pack a day and then you go to parties every weekend and get high." 

"you ready to come to another party, yet?" 

i hesitated, finally stopping my laughter as i stepped into my car. i used to party a lot, when i was kind of younger. i did it whenever i wanted to escape. 

"they say old habits die young, huh." i suggested, not answering his question with specificity, but we both knew what i meant. 

i was doing so well with like often updates and then i frick it all up with not updating. i stg i will update again bc there's a chapter i rlly wanna write soon but anyways vote and comment hahahhaha

~rebecca