You are not alone

Squish

The next day, I decided to figure out what I was feeling. I was questioning my romantic orientation, like I had many times before. It was freaking me out, because this was the first time I ever really had reason to question it. This was the first time I ever had these kinds of feelings.

I paced around my room, trying to think of some kind of explanation for the feelings. I stopped, as I remembered something I had heard before. I heard something about an aromantic crush. That sounded like a possibility. I remembered it was called a squish, so I decided to look it up.

I got on my computer, and looked up an aromantic squish. I scanned through a couple results, until I found a definition. I clicked on the link, and read through it.

A squish in the aromantic community is the equivalent of a "crush", but explicitly lacking an interest in forming a romantic or sexual relationship with the person in question. A squish is an intense feeling of attraction, liking, appreciation, admiration, for a person you urgently want to get to know and become close with. It is different than just wanting to be friends.

After I looked at the definition, I looked up how to tell if it's a crush or a squish, to know for sure that what I was feeling was a squish. I looked through different sites to really know for sure what it was.

I kept going back to squish every time I asked myself what I was feeling. I thought about the definition, and this seemed very much like what I was feeling. I really liked him, but I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, but I wanted to be close to him.

Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked behind me, and saw Jace standing very close to me but for once I didn't mind he was close to me.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Nothing." I lied.

"What are you looking up?" He asked as he looked at my computer screen. "Why are you looking this up?" He asked.

"You know how I told you that I'd tell you if I was questioning?"

"Yeah, are you?" He asked, like he didn't want to know the answer.

"Maybe a little." I said, all though it was a little more than a little.

"That's why you were all freaked out, and dazed when we were all talking."

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would've talked you through this."

"I can't really tell you." I tried to explain.

"Sure you can, I'm right here." He offered as he sat down next to me.

"No I can't."

"Just try."

"Ok, but I don't know where to start."

"How about this whole crush, squish thing?" He suggested, as he was reading my computer screen.

"Ok, well I have some... feelings for... someone, and I'm trying to figure them out."

"Ok, so which do you think are these feelings?"

"Well, I'm leaning more towards squish, because I just really want to be close to y... that person, but not in a romantic way. Completely platonic."

"Well, that sounds like a squish."

"Yeah, I just found out about squishes, and I'm doing research on it." I said, motioning to my computer.

"Oh, I feel like I'm not being much of a help."

"No, I like bouncing ideas off you. It can be hard, determining if it's a crush, or a squish. It's pretty easy to mistake one for the other."

"Well, if I'm helping."

"The more I think about the definition, and these articles, and how I'm feeling, I'm pretty sure it's a squish."

"I'm glad you figured it out, but I would've helped you."

"Thanks, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to talk to you about this."

"You can talk to me about anything. I'll try and understand, and I'll try to help."

"Thanks." I said, and we sat for a few minutes in silence. "Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Aren't you curious who I have a squish on? You never asked."

"Was I supposed to? It didn't seem like you wanted me to know."

"You weren't supposed to, but I expected it."

"You can tell me when you want." He said, and he walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

"It's you." I said, softly as I threw my head back and put my hands over my face.