The Next Step:Jiley's story

My world stops

"Okay, Riley we need you to try and stay still whilst we take you're neck brace off so we can assess your break, if you move you could risk paralysis." a doctor instructs firmly, I make some sort of grunt to tell her that I understand but I'm in too much pain to say anything because they're already moving my stiff body around so they can take the brace off. I feel the brace being slid away from underneath me and all I can think about is how if I still want to be able to walk or even dance I need to stay as still as I possibly can. My whole mind is frozen, only thinking about how still my back is but I can't help think about a life where I can't use my legs.

"Well, done, we're going to put the brace back on now." I'm told, I mentally sigh still not daring to breath until I know the brace is holding my back straight. I hear the click and sigh loudly, now I'm safe.

"Riley, even though we're doing everything we can we're still not sure that you'll ever be able to walk again." my world stops. I thought my back was getting better, apparently not.

"I thought you said my back was getting better." I say in a shaky voice, I can't believe it, this can't be happening.

"That's what we thought but after the assessment today and the recent x-ray results your back seems to be not improving which suggests it never will." so that's it, this is the end of ever being able to do anything productive, why don't I just die now, life isn't worth living without movement. I'd be a useless mother and studio head and partner and everything I used to pride myself in, why didn't I just die in that car crash, at least then nobody would have to see me helpless and useless.

I'm left alone and a weak tear trickles down my face, I can't do this anymore yet I can't leave this world on my own accord because I love and care about James and our kids too much to just leave all that behind. I know that I need to speak to James, he can normally put life into perspective, if only I could stand up and walk the few steps to where my phone has been left for weeks on a small cabinet but I'll never have that luxury of moving again. So instead of trying to speak to James I just lie in my bed staring at the ceiling contemplating life. 

I must of fallen asleep because all of a sudden my eyes are open and I'm staring at the dots on the ceiling, again. But quickly I realise that I'm not alone, and I know that James is next to me. I wish I could move my head to look at him, the one person who might give me hope and a reason to stay in this world but instead a piece of cold, stiff plastic is wrapped around my neck making sure that the only thing I can see is the familiar ceiling.

"Riles, I know how you feel and I can't make it better, I wish more than anything that I was lay there not knowing if I could ever walk again but Ii can't. I wish so much that none of this had happened, I wish so much that we were still that happy family. That maybe even we were the four and five year old who were falling in love before they even knew what love was. But I can't turn back time and I can't change anything but I can change one thing, you're perspective on life. Please Ri, for me if nobody else, don't see this as a slow and painful death sentence, see it is a change in lifestyle, see it as another way of life because nobody can change the way life presents itself to us even if it's cruel and heartless." By this point I'm sobbing. How does James always know exactly what I want him to say. He's made me realise that this is okay, I can do this because I'm strong. I'm Riley Raymond and I can do this.