The Next Step:Jiley's story

What's wrong?

I sit next to him, stroking his head like any mother does to any child in pain, I don't know what's wrong with him but I know it's serious and that he needs help, now. Paramedics rush around him but I can't focus on anything besides Josh and weather or not he's going to survive. I could commands being shouted all through the ambulance but I processed nothing besides the look of pain on my innocents child's face. I couldn't bare it, I felt useless and yet completely responsible for what was happening, did I call the ambulance soon enough? Did I do anything to cause this? Why didn't I spot this sooner? these are just some of the thousands of thoughts buzzing around my head throughout the whole journey.

I was abruptly snapped out of my daze when the ambulance came to a stop and I noticed that we had arrived at the hospital, hopefully now I can find out what's wrong with Josh. He gets wheeled in and I follow him, through the winding corridors of the hospital. We get to the ward that he will be assessed in and all of a sudden there are hundreds of senior doctors surrounding my son and I'm being pushed away, I don't know what's going on and how much pain he's in but I do know that I'm not wanted at his bedside so I just walk over to a small uncomfortable chair and sit down, and so the waiting game begins.

After what feels like hours but must only be minutes a doctor walks over to me " the mother?" I'm asked, I can't speak so just nod, he takes this as a cue to carry on and begins to explain "We're not really sure what's going on, he seems to have the symptoms of having an appendicitis however tests have proven that he doesn't, we've given him strong pain killers and now he's nearly asleep." I'm shocked, I thought I would know what was wrong with him as soon as he was in the hospital but apparently nobody knows what has caused this pain, I feel angry that I don't get answers but mostly I just feel sad, he's not even two and he's in so much pain, how do I live with this?

I walk over to Josh's bed and just stand above him, slowly stroking his head with my thumb as I watch his now sleeping body slowly rise up and down. I sit down next to his bead and pull out my phone with the intention of texting James, just to tell him how he is, that's when I see all the messages and missed calls off him, thousands of texts all telling me to text him or ring him or telling me he's sorry but I can't seem to allow myself to forgive him, the question keeps on rattling my brain, does he even care about the kids? I decide to tell him the basics but not give into him and definitely not forgive him. I slowly compose a text telling him the basics

Me- Josh is asleep, on pain-killers. Nobody know what's up with him.

I don't put kisses or call him babe or do anything that a couple might do because eight now I really don't want anything to do with him. I put my phone back into my pocket and watch Josh again, he looks so peaceful not the Josh who was in immense pain only an hour ago. As I'm watching him my eyes begin to go heavy and I feel my head slowly falling onto my shoulder, it only takes a few minutes before I'm asleep.

I wake up with a start, I can't remember falling asleep, why am I in a chair? What's the beeping? That's when realisation hits me, I'm in hospital because my one year old son has an undiagnosed medical condition. I open my eyes to that Josh is awake and just staring up at the ceiling. "Mommy, what happened?" he asks me in a barley audible whisper, I don't know what to tell him because I don't know, I think for a moment before deciding "Nobody knows bub, but you're going to be in hospital for a while." I just leave it at that, I don't want to confuse him.

A few minutes later a doctor arrives and begins to do more tests on Josh but still they can't work out what's wrong with him, I don't know how long I can do this for.