The Next Step:Jiley's story

Trying

I decided to go back to James's parent, I needed some fresh and a chance to work out how it's possible to loose somebody so close to your heart so quickly. I had just pulled up outside when my phone began to ring, it was James "hey, babe," I heard James' voice, sounding somewhat happy, "hey," I replied in an exhausted tone, I really couldn't be bothered to even think today "great news, Eldon's woke up and West's being discharged today," It was great news but I just wished so hard that it was Annie leaving as well today, "you still there babe?" James asked me and I realised I had completely zoned out "yeah, it's just so painful, I'm happy there getting better but I can't help but think that Annie should be getting better, not having a coffin being made for her tiny body as we speak." I told James, he's the only person I would ever admit this to, "I know, and there's nothing I can say to make this any better but it will get better," I wish he stopped telling me that, I know it will get better but right now I can't seem to find a way out of this dark, winding tunnel of sadness "yeah, I guess." I reply quietly before ending the call.

I walk up to the front door trying to pull myself together for the other five. The door opens and Deborah is stood there and pulls me into a hug. I want to cry so badly but I know I can't let the others know how sad I am, even though they are only two moths old they can tell when something's wrong, "how bad do you feel?" she asks me "on a scale of 1-10 about 11," I reply quietly "I'm not going to tell you that's it going to get better because I know that right now you think it's never going to feel any less painful but what I am going to tell you is that you still have five other children that need a Mommy and no matter how bad you feel you need to be strong for them, you have 60 seconds to let out everything and then you're going in there pretend that nothing's happened, okay?" She asked me, I was a bit taken aback at first and then realised that she was doing this for the others so I nodded my head and began. "Well you probably know that one of my children have just died, the dream house that's filled of so many memories has been burned down to the floor, one of best friends was in a coma up until a few minutes ago, everybody keeps on telling me that it's going to get better but right now I don't see how it can get better and I'm so confused about who started the fire and everything's happened too quickly." I gush. I look up and then Deborah says "how do you feel now, don't tell me how you think you should feel, tell me how much better it feels to have got that out of your system," to be honest I do feel a lot better, but I feel like admitting that would be admitting that I don't care about Annie anymore "I guess I do feel better," I begin "but I'm still not ready to 100% move on." I tell her "I didn't expect you to move on, I just wanted you to make a few small steps in the right direction," I nod, glad that somebody understands what I need, I walk into the living room and see John playing with Amelia and Josh whilst Dom, Isaac and Lottie are asleep on the jungle play mats, seeing Lottie and Amelia makes the tears begin to form in my eyes, Annie looked exactly like that, but then I remember what Deborah told me, I need to stay strong. I walk over and kneel down next to Isaac who's just began to wake up and pick him up, all of a sudden I realise that even though I have lost Annie I'm still one of the luckiest people alive, I have five perfect children.

After hours of playing and feeding and just being a Mom I begin to feel a lot better, I'm going to be the best possible Mommy to these children and the future child me and James were talking about because of Annie, she made me realise that life is short and you have to make the most of every moment. I'm just finishing feeding Lottie when I hear the door open, I know instantly that it's James "Hey, babe," I shout through the house hoping he'll hear me. He then sticks his head around the door and tells me to get the kids ready and in the car, confused I begin to fasten them all into their car seats. I then walk outside and strap them all in, after sitting down in the passenger seat I look across at James and ask him where we're going. "We're going home," seeing my confusion he explains more, "you know the house I bought yesterday?" he asks me, I just nod my head "I've spent all day decorating and getting the house ready," best fiancé ever.

Once we get to the new house I see that it's pretty perfect, a huge 9 bedroom house with a long garden at the back and a family sized kitchen, I think I might like this house even more that the old one. I walk into the living room an see that above the fireplace is a little picture frame with Annie in above the photo it says "25-12-15/1-3-16" It hurts to see your perfect baby in a memorial frame but I love it, it shows that she will never be forgotten. After a quick tour of all the rooms with James I put the babies to bed knowing that they'll all be awake in a few hours anyway and then go and sit on one of the sofas in the living room. After a couple of minutes James walks in and gives me a light kiss and then curls up next to me, we just sit there in silence, not an awkward silence but a peaceful, comfortable silence. "We should probably talk about what you said yesterday," James says breaking the silence, I know instantly what he wants to talk about, a new baby, "I really want another one, it'll give us hope and prove that good things do still happen in this world," I tell him and I can feel his head nodding above mine.

3 days later

James and I have spent the last couple of nights trying for another baby, today I take the test. I lock the bathroom door and take the test. I then have to wait for ten minutes, these ten minutes are some of the longest minutes of my life. Once the clock finally read 11:34 I know that I can turn it over. I look at it and see that......