The Next Step:Jiley's story

Too Much?

His eyelids are near closed and his breathing is shallow, he looks so peaceful and my movements begin to slow down, he isn't dying, he doesn't look like he's ready to die, I tell myself calmly, he's still just James. In an almost trance I reach across and dial an ambulance (I'm English so don't know what the Canadian emergency number is....) only when I hear the frantic voice on the other side of the phone my trance is broken and I remember that James is near dying "Errmm, it's my fiancé, he was in the Toronto park shooting and now his wound has just reopened and he's unconscious and I don't know what to do, I have eight toddlers in the house so I can't leave I what should I do?" I ask frantically, I'm so s cared right now, the pool of blood isn't being soaked up anymore and now it's pooling around him, he's going to die. "Okay, I need you to calm down and take a deep breath in, can you give me your address and we'll send an ambulance over as quickly as possible." she tells me, I follow her every instruction. Calm, breath and speak "96 Castlehill Road, Toronto." I say through the phone "Okay, now I just want you to keep checking he's breathing, every thirty seconds you need to check his pulse, stay with us until the ambulance arrives, if you notice anything different report it immediately." I'm told but I can't reply because all I can do is sit, curled up on the sofa shaking like a leaf, trying to imagine a life without James, I thought I lost him only a few days ago but I got him back and now I think I'm going to loose him again, can I even keep doing this? After only a few minutes I hear the wail of an ambulance from down the road and dart to the front door, before long the paramedics are in the house and trying their very best to bring life back to James' cold, still body but right now hope seems pretty low. He's stopped breathing just before the paramedics started work and now every breath was being forced "We have a breath!" I hear somebody shout, I release the breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding in and my body goes limp, he's alive. That's when I hear Amelia crying from upstairs, she must've been woken up by the noise coming from down here and then I remember that I have nobody to look after them if I go to hospital with James so I reach across to my phone, with shaky hands I ring my Mom and Dad, hoping they won't mind coming round "Riley, are you alright?" my Mom asks, I shake my head but then remember she can't see that so let a single syllable escape my mouth "No." that's when I let the tears poor down my face "Ri, what's wrong?" my Mom asks me clearly extremely concerned, I don't know how to explain "James, he nearly died, can you come over to look after the kids?" I say in a barley audible whisper but she hears well enough and knows what I need "Of coarse, I'll be round in five, he'll be alright, he's a fighter." she tells me "I hope so." is the only thing I say before ending the call. "Alright, we need to go to the hospital now, he's still at a critical stage," one of the paramedics say to the rest of the team of six then he turns to me "Do you want to come in the ambulance?" I'm asked, I really do but I can't leave the kids at home by themselves, so I just shake my head before saying "I'll drive behind once my Mom and Dad get here to look after the kids." I tell him, he just nods his head and turns brusquely towards the door where James is being taken out on a stretcher. Then I hear the sirens start up again and then they fade into the background,  the house falls silent, Amelia must have fallen back asleep, and I collapse onto the sofa and my breathing slowly returns to a normal rate but whenever I think about James, lying in the hospital, helpless my breathing spikes and I start to shake.

After a couple of minutes I hear a car pull up and then my parents hushed voices, clearly trying to talk quiet enough so I don't hear, but I do "I don't think she can handle it, she's always been fragile and now with James on the verge of death she could just collapse, she's been so strong with Annie's death and with James' close death but could this have just pushed her over the edge?" I hear my Dad ask my Mom, I know what he means, I've never been very emotionally strong and what if this really is too much for me to handle?