Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Seven: Grandparents and Halloween Plans

Two Days Later...

Duncan and I haven't talked anymore about my whereabouts without him and the ways he thinks I have changed as a friend. I haven't wanted to get into a discussion like he did at school during lunch. There is no reason we should as friends and there is a line I assume he shouldn't cross.

I don't see how he could say I have changed anyway. I'm the same me, same person struggling with getting through high school and my life except now I have Blaine by my side. He gives me the opportunity to take a breath and stop thinking about the memories I shouldn't let bother me.

I shouldn't be sixteen and still continuing to let the past break me down. I left it. I escaped that life growing up in the house all of my nightmares steam back to. Leaving means I shouldn't have wandered back in seek of closure I knew I wouldn't find there.

What can I say though? What excuse or explanation can I give other than I wanted to go back and shut the door on the five or so years I lived there? I wanted to stop the nightmares from haunting me and remind myself along the way I'm not like him. I will never be who he is but I doubt my dad would understand my reasoning. No one would I don't even know why I asked Duncan to go with me this past June.

I went before on my own but it wasn't cutting it. I wanted someone to talk to about everything. I decided to trust him and tell him about me sneaking off to go there which hasn't been more than a handful of times by myself. Sneaking onto the property and see the place again where I didn't want to be.

By myself I spent a few minutes each time not able to handle the feelings racing through me. I had to leave. I couldn't stay regardless when it takes a few hours to get there and back. I pretended each time I went to Duncan's house until I one day wanted to ask him to go with me to the house.

I dont want anyone to find out. No one needs to know when I don't plan on going back there after the last visit it officially made me realize being there is hurting me. I think the hatred for Jared grew deeper since the visit. Intensifying as time passes by.

I want to know why. Why did he have to be disturbed and not sane? Why did he have to hurt people? Why did he want to? Just why?

But like always I back pedal the thoughts and put my hands over my ears figuratively to prevent myself from knowing the dark truth I'm too scared to find out.

I don't need to find out why. I don't want to hear his excuses or my aunt's on why no one said anything. I want to throw away the past or at least bury it far down. Forget what was done and can't be changed. No matter what anyone says it doesn't go away.

I just want to wake up one morning and discover I have a normal life. Live life like everyone else without people looking at me and linking me to Jared. Not be the center of attention in a room as people whisper about me as if I'm not there. Appear like my dad acting like the past doesn't have to follow into the present like nothing ever happened but it did.

"How long are your grandparents staying?" Duncan asks, the first out of the two of us in my room to break the silence.

Neither of us have said anything in the half hour we've been in my room. I was beginning to think he left and I was laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling lost in my own head by myself.

"Just dinner." I answer sitting up and looking over at him on his phone. Apparently I'm not entertaining enough these days and I don't want to be after Monday. I can't believe he brought up going to the house forgetting people were around us in the cafeteria. I doubt anyone heard but still.

I can't think about it anymore. I don't want to hate him when he's my friend, only friend who has been there for me through the years from the first of school. "I've always liked your grandparents." Duncan comments to start a conversation again that doesn't end once again.