Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty Four: Eye of the Tornado

(Jayden)

My dad's life is spinning out of control. He doesn't have me. He doesn't have Vivian. He had Chris until he pushed him out of his life. He had my younger brother Gavin I never met before he decided he wasn't enough to fill the void of two of his kids he was forced to have with Jared. Two kids he wouldn't have had if he hadn't been fifteen and decided to get on the bus to meet Jared.

He's losing control of his life and I'm in here too busy locked in my own pain and suffering I can't help him. I'm trapped in a place that isn't home and for the most part I've adjusted to life here. I'm not as fearful of this place. I'm not left in the dark and unknown when I know what tomorrow holds. I know what my day consists of while my dad is out there alone by himself. He's not okay and there is nothing I can do as I read his letter full of lies.

All I can think of now is, why? Why did he skip school to end up at Jared's? Why did he stay? Why didn't he leave? Why didn't he give me away and maybe then I wouldn't be his problem anymore? I wouldn't be his burden he has to worry about? I wouldn't be what caused his life to be this fucked up and there is no going back. At least if he didn't have me he probably wouldn't have went back naive and gullible to Jared. He wouldn't have stepped foot in the prison he is in and talk to him about me. He wouldn't be a mess no one can fix because of what Jared did. He wouldn't be alone with the person who hurt him, hurt us because I know that's what he's doing.

He's not the same dad anymore he was before Vivian died. He isn't even the same dad he was after and that's bad. Bad because he stopped caring. He went back to someone who hurt him and thinks he will guide him down the path to help me but can I be helped? Do I want to be freed when I finally feel okay to talk about before? Do I truly know it wasn't me in a haze of blurred faces I wanted to see and what I didn't?

Doubts are always right behind me. I'm questioning it two and a half years later and that makes me think I need to come to terms. I need to admit to myself it was me and stop trying to convince people I'm not responsible when everything points to me. It's hurting me more to continue to tell Doctor Chamberlain and myself when I'm talking in circles. I'm not making sense and none of it helps me as I continue living in this institition that is suppose to help me. Keep me in here without a release date because of what I did or didn't do. I don't know. I don't care about being freed out of here because either way my sister is gone. I didn't protect her and our dad is reverting back into his old ways.

He shouldn't even be able to see him. He shouldn't want to see him but he does and it shows me how much my dad was a good actor to everyone around us. He pretended he was passed what happened, passed Jared and moved on but apparently he wasn't. He was never okay and neither was I shoving the dreaded past into the back of my head.

I told myself it wasn't such a bad childhood. I surpressed it all and now it's coming back a thousand times worse. Everything. Every little fight they had. Every time Jared got angry and shouted in the house. Obscene words spoken that left my dad wondering what he did wrong and how to fix it. He was broken and so was I. We both were. And I can't forget the fact the doors were locked when we were left home alone while Jared went to work. We weren't allowed out unless Jared was with us. We were on a tight leash. Barked and taunted at times. I wanted scream for help. I needed my dad to take us away. Save us but he was helpless. He was used to the pain. Used to the hateful words degrading him in front of me. Used to the dark secrets I had no idea about. He was used to everything and in a way looking back now I think he felt unsure when he wasn't shown and told the same things he once wanted to stop.

I can say I had my Aunt Katelynn and Unlce Kyle but they didn't do anything. Kyle encouraged Jared's behavoir while Katelynn on the other hand dealt with it. Regardless of how much I would plead with my eyes for help all day long it didn't change the circumstances. I was stuck there. I thought it was normal and that normal scared me as much as thunderstorms still do to this day.

Yesterday in the afternoon the siren went off, loud and clear. I was eating lunch at the same table as Jordan. Eating and not thinking about anything except what I talked to Doctor Chamberlain about the day before. We were talking about me accepting what happened as something I did and not someone else. I had decided to stop asking him to listen to my side of what happened. He wasn't listening and neither was I. I stopped, gave up, on giving my story of what happened but it doesn't mean I stopped drawing the scarecrow.

No, I still see him. I picture him crystal clear in my dreams, in the room at night. I can't not see him and it terrifies. I do feel crazy. I feel insane, my sanity lost the moment I was back inside the house I grew up in. I can always draw the house, the scarecrow and his eyes in my sketchbook without a problem. Doctor Chamberlain doesn't ask, doesn't tell me to stop. He just listens to me talk about what's on my mind. He's there for me unlike my dad was when I needed him the most.

He should have told me to tell the truth. He should have said it was okay and not stop me. He should have wanted me to have help but he didn't and that's what I thought about as the sound of my worst fear was echoing inside the building from outside.

I already knew, I could hear, the wind growing as the morning ended and noon arrived. Wind picking up meant the thunderstorm was about to start with a strong intensity I wasn't happy about. I don't like thunderstorms. I don't like the sixty mile an hour wind either that comes along with it. I really don't like the siren blaring to warn us there is a tornado warning and not a simple watch. I can't leave. I can't go anywhere unless they instruct me to and it scared me to think am I worth saving and keeping from harm's way? Are any of these people?

We have to be since they moved us, walked us down the basement where we could wait out the worse if it came down to it. Waiting out the strong winds that can turn into a tornado but it didn't end up happening. We sat as they listened to the weather on the radio stating once again it's okay and the warning is over since the storm passed. In all of my eighteen years old life, almost nineteen I haven't once seen a tornado living in Iowa. Yeah there has been plenty of tornado watches and strong powerful winds but nothing like the real thing.

I remember my first memory of hearing the siren. I probably heard it before then but that's the first vivid memory I have of it. I remember being in the attic because I wasn't good. I don't remember what I did except it was enough to be locked up there. Sitting on the bed, trying to sleep as the rain poured down onto the roof. I was listening to the wind increase over time and then finally their was a new sound. Something loud and frightful, the siren. Loud and clear it could be heard and I got up scared. I jumped and went over to the window. I could see in the late afternoon the dark sky and I didn't want to be up alone by myself anymore. I wanted to be out of the dark attic and be with my dad again. I didn't want to be alone anymore than I had to be. I went over to where the stairs retract and started yelling that I was sorry. I would be a good boy I promised. I wouldn't do anything bad again just let me go downstairs with them.

After a few seconds my pleading was ended when the stairs retracted and Jared walked up to get me. He took me down the steps and I was relieved. I wasn't scared of him like I was earlier before he made me go up to the attic as my punishment. I was fine to be  safe in his arms because he was going to protect me. He wasn't going to leave me up there and chance something bad happening to me. He cared about me in his own way and that's why I don't like him. I don't like how he has a hold over me still. He has my dad completly hypnotized under another spell. Beyond brainwashed I can't believe they allow them to communicate. I guess my dad's old enough to know better. He's older than me, older than he was when he lost communication with him and the trial against Jared was going on. He had come to the conclusion Jared was as bad as everyone said but now years later he doesn't see it the same.

He's fallen back into what his life was before while I'm waiting. Waiting for something I don't know as I read my dad's letters each week. Wishing ultimately his life wasn't heading straight into the eye of the torndao he's going to regret.

*~* Sorry for not posting a new chapter in a while. Last month I was in the process of moving and didn't have a lot of time to write. I also didn't know where I wanted the story to go but now I do.  I'll post the next chapter late tonight or tomorrow.   :) *~*