Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty Two: You Were Gone For A While

"I wanted to talk to you about your mood these past few weeks." I tense up, my first thought is he knows. Doctor Chamberlain knows I haven't been taking the pills.

I'm not me on them. I'm not me without the memories and dark thoughts clouding my head. Feelings I thought I long didn't feel so intense boiling up. Creeping in the middle of the night I can't sleep. I almost miss the drugs, the cold numbness inside I've gotten comfortable with.

"I'm fine." I lie, the effort forced and drain from something far than believeable even to myself. I'm lying for what reason this time? What am I greeted with in the end than a sure lecture of what I am doing wrong?

But what did I want to discuss today in the first place? Nothing? Pretend the entire hour I'm fine or go off the cliff and break down like I did last time?

Anything I guess than him to realize I'm  a liar and what Shawn talks to me about is how to evade the pressure of Doctor Chamberlain's words. Advice and the how to of avoiding the drugs effect on me as he learned through the years I never considered.

I did everything told of me. Listened to others tell me what's wrong with me. I gave in to what people older than me recommended. I didn't put up a fight as months passed. They won.

They.

They tell me what my life is like. They dictate my every move, my answers I long stopped attempting to say. They told me I'm this bad person. They put me here but they can't stop my neverending thoughts morphed into dark nightmares. They can't change my thoughts as much as they have tried to have me see what they saw the night Vivian died.

"Lately you aren't here Jayden. You find yourself lost in thought more often. I really thought we were making some good progress talking each week but maybe I'm wrong. Is there something you want to tell me?"

"I'm fine. I'm right here." I motion around us in the room, trying to hold back annoyance of his stupid analyize.

Am I suppose to be happy every day that passes? Be okay? Go on with my life after my little sister is dead and I can't remember much except waking up?

His eyes bore into mine, the color of a blue sky without any clouds looking into a dark storm. A deep dark brown too full of misery and mystery ahead. I'm too much like Jared it's scary. "I can pretend like you are. Turn a blind eye and pretend I don't know."

"Know what?" I reply, easily detected I am lying and he knows it.

How long did I really think I could escape the dreaded hold the pills with or without have on me? I can't deny there's a change in me. Good or bad? Probably both. I don't know what they prescribed me. I don't know what the side effects are except a me that isn't me.

"Shawn's been here for a year Jayden. He likes to talk to everyone. He also likes to do..well things he shouldn't. For example, convince the nurses he has taken his medication then spit it out of his mouth once they leave."

"Oh."

"I was worried he might approach you but I didn't think you would follow his lead Jayden."

He thought wrong.

"I can't let this go unpunished. You are in my care, the care of this facility. You were prescribed the medication given to you for a reason. To help you."

His last sentence forms a twisted smile. I have to laugh, "To help me?"

"Do you this is a funny matter Jayden? That this acceptable?" he questions, a stern look turning his eyes from concern into a flared up irritation of his authority being overlooked.