Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Sixteen: Tell me What To Believe

(Jonhathan)

A half hour has gone by already and there are still no words written down on the blank page in the notebook. Nothing. Not even the beginning of the letter while the pen remains in my hand as I sit at the kitchen table.

I don't know what to write. I don't know where to begin a complicated letter to Jayden. What can I say I haven't said before? What can I question I haven't dared ask by now?

I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. Take my mind off of everything before the tears tempt to build up as the minutes pass. I can barely handle thinking about Jayden let alone write a letter to him ask how he is. I can't say Vivian's name without falling back into the night I found her, the night our world changed.

Vivian is gone and Jayden was convicted of killing her. Both of my kids aren't here what am I suppose to feel? How am I suppose to live without them here?

I look up from the notebook and into the living room where I see Gavin laying on the couch asleep. I have him.

Gavin is almost two in a few months, coming into this world after everything, he has no knowledge of what happened before he was born. He doesn't know about his sister and brother who aren't here. He doesn't know the two bedrooms in this house I keep locked have been left untouched. He doesn't know about the photos I have hidden away in the closet of the happy family we used to be, the family we we were suppose to stay. He's too young to know anything and even when he's older I don't know if I would want him to know. He's all I have left excluding Jayden who isn't here and is never getting released from the institution he was sentenced to.

I feel like a horrible parent sometimes. I hate myself for the thoughts I do have about Jayden whenever I think about what he did. I haven't been able to look at him the same. It's too hard and maybe that's why I am struggling to write to him.

I couldn't go to the trial everyday, it was too much. Each day I was questioning am I on his side believing he didn't or am I on Vivian's believing the prosecution? Both? Am I a bad parent to be confused some days?

Since the trial ended I've wanted to write him, make sure he's okay but everyday I find an excuse. There is always a reason I can't sit down and write him a letter. I find it easier to make up every excuse that there is than confront what I keep delaying. I'm scared to confront what is not going away. Fearful of this reality I wasn't prepared for.

I still wake up to the vivid scene playing out in my head. Replaying the night I raced into the house and I seen Vivian's motionless body laying up in the attic. I can never remove the image out of my head. Every happy memory through the years is instantly surpassed. Almost every night I see the haunting sight of Vivian covered in blood, not breathing and Jayden sitting outside on the porch steps. He was covered in blood too, her blood.

Nothing made sense then. None of it continues to feel real. I don't want to believe Vivian is gone and Jayden is responsible for his sister's death. Why would he hurt his sister? Why would he kill her in the same house he grew up in until we left when he was five? Why??

I don't know...I don't want to think about what he was thinking. I don't want to think about any of it.

I shoved the painful night into the back of my mind. Thinking and pretending to myself for the past two years I'm going to wake up because this can't be true. I can't be living another nightmare involving my kids I would anything for.

The front door opens and for a split second I think Jayden and Vivian are going to walk in. I tell myself everything is fine, nothing is wrong. I've been having a horrible dream and it's finally over but then I see Chris walk in. And I know neither of them are coming home.