Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Seventeen: A Letter From Home

(Jayden)

The moment I entered into Doctor Chamberlain's office I noticed a sketchbook on the couch where I usually sit. Something that is usually not there when I walk in and neither are the pencils resting on top of it. I knew today was going to be different, new unlike the last visit. I had a feeling he wanted to take a different approach in getting me to talk which happened to involve something I used to love to do, draw.

"Duncan was my first friend I made in school, the only person who actually talked to me." I tell him as I continue to draw, staring down and avoiding eye contact.

I dive into a conversation after he told me I could draw today and talk only if I wanted to. I figure I have nothing else to do than express myself I mine as well talk about my life. He was nice enough to get me a sketchbook and pencils after all. "Why was he the only person?" he asks.

I smirk, finding it laughable he has to ask why Duncan was my only friend. It should be obvious by now since it's been obvious to everyone in the past.

Of course his job is to make me talk, figure out my problems the longer I am here. That means I have to give him my answer and not what he assumes. "They were scared of me, scared of who I would become." I reply pausing as I think about my useless failed attempts to talk to the other kids in class from the beginning of school until the end.

None of them liked me. I was an outsider who never talked to anyone my age until I was six. I was my own best friend when I lived somewhere isolated at home except those few shopping trips into town at the local grocery store.

For the most part I was anxious to be around anyone besides my dad. I was scared of people in general for months even after I was told I didn't have to be. I guess it was the fear continuing to linger inside me convincing me I wasn't safe. The feeling of being scared of change, terrified of simply being abandoned and hurt.

Looking back now my grandma did a lot of reassurance. Telling me I'm fine but I wasn't. I'm not now and I see why everyone feared me. I know why they bullied me with fear inside themselves of what I was capable of. "Everyone watched the news and made their own assumptions for years. Predictions based on him. Even Duncan thought I was a bad person in the end when he took the witness stand."

"How did you feel to hear your friend talk about you?"

How did I feel? How do I still feel about what Duncan said? "Like crap. I felt like the trust we had as friends was gone. He used everything I ever told him against me. He made me sound like an even worse person than I ever thought I was." I stop myself, trying to stop the frustration from building onto full of anger but it's not because I'm mad at him. He was actually a good friend and that makes me laugh.

Every word of my secrets Duncan  kept to himself until I snapped as they put it. "What's funny?" Doctor Chamberlain inquires.

"Duncan wasn't such a bad friend." I say.

"He wasn't?"

"No, he cared in a way. He didn't open his mouth and tell someone my secrets. He kept his word as a friend until I went off the deep end and hurt Vivian." I answer his question, "Then again why would he when I didn't hurt her?

"Who hurt her?" he asks as I expected.

"Vivian told me she thought Duncan liked me before…but it doesn't matter now." I change the conversation again, not ready to talk about Vivian's death.

"Who do you think hurt her Jayden?" he presses.

"I didn't like Duncan more than a friend though. I liked someone else, loved him and I thought he loved me. I believed he did until he showed his true colors." I go on avoiding his question.