Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Thirteen: My Own Prison

To be accurate not exaggerate the facts, as my defense attorney Alex continued to remind me plenty of occasions for two years, I'm not being sentenced to prison. I'm not heading over and walking inside an actual prison to spend the rest of my life locked away, from the public I can't be trusted around.

No, I'm going somewhere else. "You're entering into a newly built mental institution Jayden. It is the best I could do to prevent you from entering prison where there would be further trouble. Trust me you don't want to go to prison. You should be glad the prosecution is working with us based on your father's history. You can have full treatment at the facility, you will do best there." he relied upon me after a long day of court after he spoke to the woman in charge of building the case against me.

In both their minds I have to go away and entering into a mental institution is almost a dream compared to what prison would have been. They both think I deserve this sentence but it doesn't change the fact Vivian is still gone and I didn't hurt her.

I'm not like the rest who harmed others before and belong in here. I'm not like them I swear!

Glancing around my new room in this institution with nowhere to go and no window to see the outside I'm struggling to come to terms this is really happening. This is really my life after two years which felt like a dream, horrible and unbelievable,  I realize is real. I'm not dreaming. I'm not intending to wake up in days and months to come. I'm here in this place I don't want to be.

Here I can never leave, I'm trapped to permanently sit and ponder for hours a day. No doubt I will be drugged up from a diagnosis of something they can assume and guess because of my insistent denial to take the blame for what I have done. I don't know how many I talked to through the past two years about what happened and no one believed me. Everyone was quick to place me under arrest and go through the process of trying me in court and finding me guilty. My dad I know has doubts and Chris probably caused more to keep him away from me because now they have a son together. They have a life without Jared constantly around and it's my fault. All my fault for everything.

First everyone pointed fingers onto me for what transpired at the house then the rest of every word I spoke to follow came to a tumbling crash. Nothing seemed true.

I told them everything, risking the chance of Blaine getting in trouble because I didn't want to keep anything secret. I wanted to be an open book to anyone who simply glanced my way but instead I was at best a walking disaster. A distaste liar with motives to kill his sister and becomes this person they see me as.I was told none of I what I said was truthful. I was trying to, in their view take drag anyone down with me as an excuse for what I did.

I revealed secrets I didn't want to but I thought would help my case to get everything out in the open and not kept hidden  but it wasn't good enough. I was worse off than I was before after they interviewed Blaine who denied us. He denied our close to one year relationship and no evidence was found to contradict his answers. I was labeled mentally unstable but I'm not.

I didn't do anything wrong but why do I keep doubting myself?

*****

"Dad, I swear I didn't do what they say I did. I wouldn't hurt Vivian. She's my younger sister and I would do anything for her." I say but the words sound foreign.

The distance between my dad and I is not much at a table to visit in juvenile hall but somehow it feels miles away. He can hardly look at me let alone speak to me since he arrived to visit today.

I wasn't able to go home after waking up at the house three months ago. Neither could I wake up and snap out of this nightmare.