Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty One: I Lost My Sanity

School, I know Jordan because he attended the same high school I did. He lived somewhere remotely close in the same town but I knew little about him. I sort of forgot his name and who he was entirely until Shawn introduced us and I remembered.

It's kind of easy to forget about people in school after I left. The two years to follow since were a mashed up blur in my head. Faces and names I don't have to remember I've lost track of and forgot. My mind is only on one thing, one event. My life doesn't revolve around people I once went to school with, neighbors who lived on the same street or the woman who worked at the grocery store. They're nobodies to me I choose not occupy my days thinking about.

Instead I waste my hours wondering what I did or didn't do to find myself here. Struggling with simply living, breathing when my sister isn't. As for Jordan I remember talking to him a few times in ninth grade. Short conversations sometimes before the teacher started class. I think the most he said was hi and nodded his head. He didn't talk much and we didn't talk out of the class.

I sort of figured in my head the first day he sat next to me -because it was the only sit available- he was nervous to be near me. I assumed Jordan's quickness to take a seat, glance in my direction then look back down at the desk, he was afraid of me. Scared of me I thought based on what he found out about me involving Jared because there is no one I think that didn't know who my dad was and what happened to him back then.

Everyone knows and Jordan in my eyes fit into the category of those scared of me. Another person who believed I may have inherited the deranged personality Jared has. And that, that's still up in the air for those who believe everything said about me and not the truth.

Whatever the truth is these days when it frequently changes day by day depending on my mood.

So besides several short conversations Jordan and I didn't talk much. I think it was partly because I lost myself in school and whatever Duncan was talking about. I didn't try to become friends with Jordan and I especially didn't want additional friends after the previous year in junior high that shown me people are mean and life sucks a lot. Apparently not as much as it does now but I didn't know that. I didn't know my misery of school would change with Blaine. I didnt know everything was going to change the night it did.

Once Blaine noticed me I was happy pretending to myself. I was fine keeping another secret for a year while nothing around us mattered. I completely forgot who I wanted to be and who I was unless it involved Blaine.

Blaine made the past go away. Blaine took away the bad in my life. He took my mind off reality for several hours during the week when we were alone at his house. He made me feel less different as I fell, stupidly, in love with him. I kept secrets.

Then I was swallowed up by my surroundings the second someone pulled the floor from underneath me. I quickly fell, tumbled into the spiraling downfall that's my life and Blaine wasn't there for me. He didn't want to be around me. He pushed me away when I needed him. Or was it me who finally pushed him away after opening my eyes to realize nothing was what I thought it was?

*****

Two Years Earlier....

"Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. He needs to pick up." I say into the phone as I walk outside of the house shutting the front door.

I can't be in there as I wait for my dad. I don't want to be in there noticing the blood on my hand.

I quickly wipe my free hand on my pants but it serves little purpose. There's blood everywhere on me. It's everywhere in the attic but I didn't do this. I didn't kill Vivian.