Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty Three: Cold Heart, Distant Feelings

(Jonhathan)

The weekend is almost gone and the only thing Chris wants to do is argue during the time we have to ourselves with Gavin at my parent's house. We can't eveb have a decent civilized conversation with each other. He doesn't want to, he wants to argue over nothing and everything at the same time. Call out everything I'm doing wrong because nothing I do is perfect enough for him lately.

"I don't want to do this again Chris. I'm sick of arguing over nothing." I say walking out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, Chris following behind me.

"Nothing?" he laughs as I stop in the kitchen opening the cupboard for a clean glass to drink out of, "Is that what you think this is about Jonhathan nothing?"

He knows he's irritating me even more by not dropping this entire conversation. I dont know why he's blown this into something that it's not in the first place. I don't want to hear it anymore. I want to be alone. I want to be by myself.

I reach up grabbing the bottle of vodka for a drink to drown him out. "Isn't it? I don't know why we can't have one day, one fucking day, we don't argue." I open the bottle pouring half the glass full.

"I don't know why you're acting like this Jonhathan. Why are you turning to this?" he grabs the bottle out of my hands, "You don't need it. It's not helping and neither is avoiding life."

I grab the bottle back, "Yeah well it's my fucking life okay?! I can drown in my sorrow if I choose to Chris! You can't stop me from doing so! You can't tell me it's wrong when you can't possible understand what it's like to lose your daughter and have your son convicted for her death! Can I not be left alone to grief?!" I snap then pick up the glass and drink what I used to think smelled and tasted horrible years ago.

"Do you hear yourself? You're making excuses for yourself and for the record I do know what it's like Jonhathan. She may not have been mine but I've been there, I helped raise her from the beginning. She was just as mine as yours and Jayden was too."

"Was?" I retort, "He's still alive Chris and he's not going anywhere."

"No, he isn't. He's staying in the institution they sent him to for the rest of his life for what he did to Vivian."

"You don't know that!" I don't want to hear this. I want him to go away, leave me alone but as I try to walk past him he stops me.

He's blocking my path from getting away from him, "When are you going to see the truth Jonhathan? When are you going to realize you need to move on because life isn't going to stop. You have Gavin, you have me. Jayden is good as gone for what he did."

"You don't fucking know anything. You weren't there at the house that night. You don't know what he told me so let me go to the room to get away from you. I'm done arguing tonight."

"I didn't have to be there when I seen everything at the trial to know he did it." he says letting me walk past him out of the kitchen the bottle of vodka in my hand. "He ended her life Jonhathan and that's why we're here. You're falling apart and I don't know if I can pick up the pieces to make this work."

I stop in my tracks to look him in the eyes, "You don't want to try."

"I've tried Jonhathan trust me. I watched you for the pass two years sleep the days away while everyone else me included is stepping up to help. As it is you're barely here in the present with Gavin when you're not dropping him off with your parents."

Does he not remember what happened two years ago? Does he not understand what I'm going through, what we should be going through together? "You don't understand."