Dear Jayden,
It's been a while since we last talked and I'm partially to blame. For that I'm sorry for not holding myself together better than I did. I wish I had but I guess it's only normal I broke down. I avoided conversations about you, with you, because I was scared. I could barely speak, I didn't want to come to terms with the words spoken aloud by everyone around. I didn't want to believe my eyes that night. I still don't when just yesterday you were five years old. And the day before that you were a baby it seems like.
Years have quickly flown by I can't believe it sometimes how old you are, how old I am. I can't grasp the idea you're eighteen. Not only that but where you are. What parent would want to believe any of this? Or the people around who say you're not the son I thought I raised?
No one probably, I suppose that's a rhetorical question and not something I need to hear an answer to. I know, I don't need to hear you say it, you think this is a letter to tell you I want nothing to do with you. A letter to express I've forgotten about you. You probably also believe I don't have your picture anymore and all of your belongings but I do. Believe it or not I kept your room the same in the house. Chris and I haven't moved anywhere new. Everything is the same really, nothing's changed.
Well except for your sketchbook I found and chose to browse through. I know, I know you always hated whenever I tried to look through what you spent hours consumed drawing but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to fall back into the past for a while, feel close again.
I hope you can understand. I hope you don't mind. I don't know why you were, are, self conscious of your drawings and felt the need to keep them hidden. Maybe if I'm lucky you will decide to write back, draw me something. Anything you think and I'll hang onto it forever because you're still my son Jayden. You're my first born, my child, I don't want to live without. Regardless of what may or may not have happened I'm still your dad and you're still my son.
Like I admitted earlier everything that has happened happened unexpectedly and I didn't know what to believe. I dealt with my grieve in the wrong way for a while. Things in life were changing so quickly I was scared. I wanted the same you wanted, to wake up but that isn't going to happen. This is our life now, this is what we are going to take one step at a time. I want you to talk to me. I want to talk to you. Tell me what I ignored as a parent. I want to be here for you as the parent I should have been.
Jayden, I'm sorry for pushing the past deep down I made you feel, think, you couldn't talk to me. Everything is going to change, I'll do everything there is to fill in the blanks you don't remember and help you see clearly. Either way this turns out in the end I'll always be here for you.
Love your dad
YOU ARE READING
Nightmares Never Go Away
General FictionAll Jayden wants is to be nothing like his father Jared... Jayden Kohl, Jonhathan Kohl's son, is all grown up or at least he thinks he is. At sixteen years old he is one year older than his dad was when he began talking to a man online and ended up...
