Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Nineteen: New Resident

I drift off, away from the recreational area  I'm sitting in. Thinking again about what Doctor Chamberlain handed me I can't stop thinking about.

The letter.

I've spend hours of my days unable to think clearly. Finding myself falling into my head. Pretending I'm not here. Daydreaming, imagining my dad is right in front of me sitting in the house somewhere feeling lost. He was probably wondering where to begin, how to begin. Over analyzing what he says to me first that doesn't contradict himself and what he truly feels inside. And just like him, I'm lost too.

I'm consumed in what my dad wrote more than anything there is in the world. I don't want to think about something trivial inside my constant confinement when my dad spent the time to write a letter. Tell me once and for all what he feels and sent it out to me. I finally have the first words he has said to me in months and it isn't as terrible as I dreamt it would be.

He said he is willing to hear my side of the story of what happened. He has  doubts inside himself that I don't belong here and someone else does for Vivian's death. He's finally listening and didn't forget about me like I thought he would with his family minus Vivian and I.

That's one thing my dad left out of his letter besides Vivian. He mentioned him and Chris but he didn't write a word to mention the child they share together. I wonder if it's because he's scared of me. Is he scared to talk to me about what's been going on in his life I'm not involved in?

I know nothing about the new sibling I have but I also have no interest. The only thing on my mind is I want to leave here. I want to convince everyone I didn't do anything wrong. I want to escape the dark cloud that isn't clearing anytime soon but I can't. I can't even write back to my dad because it turns out Doctor Chamberlain doesn't think I'm ready.

He said I've barely made a little progress over the short period of time I've been here and he doesn't want this to put a hold on my progress. I also have a hunch it involves the silence to follow after reading the letter. He gave a skeptical look jotting something down.

He doesn't think my dad is ready to see me and I think he might be right. I can see the denial and sorrow in the letter replaying it in my head. With every line memorized, every word virtually stuck in my head in the weeks since, there is no possible way I can avoid the fact my dad is confused. He kept changing subjects from why he didn't talk to me to my drawing and from there the past.

I didn't know what to think after and I still don't as one part recites in my head right now.

'...What parent would want to believe any of this? Or the people around who claim you're not the son I raised?'

I was suppose to protect Vivian. She was my responsibility and I screwed up. I let something happen to her and I'm not sure if I had a part in it. I'm scared to fill in the blanks in between. I'm scared I will see a monster like I do in my worst nightmares convincing me I killed her.

I force myself to stop. Tell myself I can't anymore. I can't think this way. I can't go back, I don't want to go back into a black hole I only see the night playing over again and it doesn't stop.

I'm not a bad person. How many times do I need to repeat to myself I didn't do it?

Someone else killed Vivian but as it stands right now, the court documents state I'm the insane one who killed my sister. I was proven guilty and convicted but for some reason my dad is willing to hear me out? He wants to talk about what happened and not write me off like my grandparent's, his parents,  did?

Half of me feels happy, feels relieved he wants to listen to me. Reassured he is always going to be there for me even though I'm here. He's willing to acknowledge me after everything was said and done during the trial. He's putting faith in my innocence for him to find out exactly what happened the night Vivian died and that's something isn't it?

He cares about me, he intentionally brought up the fact I'm his son. He's sorry for the past not wanting to talk about Jared and what took place. He sees his faults and I see mine never wanting to talk about much. I know he's still hurting and Vivian isn't coming back but I'm here. I'm alive and I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to be alone. I want someone that's family to talk to.

Then again are his words true, talking about the way he felt up until now? Does he really want a relationship we used to have when he cared about me and would do anything to protect me? Or is this a facade to clear his conscious?

If I look, search closely into the letters in between on the paper I can find the sadness almost instantly. Hidden in his words is anger not far behind as he takes out his frustration out on himself for the dad he was and what he should have done but didn't.  He said he was scared - I was too - and he's sorry for the past but is he?

There is a mixture of both comfort and confusion resting inside me. I'm having trouble understanding why now my dad wants to talk to me. Why did he want to write a letter and explain himself? Why is he apologizing for years ago? Why is he bringing up the past that I want to bury and burn just like he did?

I push the thoughts away a I finally make my move on the checkers board after too much thinking, "You're not even trying." Shawn mutters under his breathe.

He hurries to take his turn taking two of my pieces. "It's just a game." I say.

Just a game I don't care about. Just something to pass time in here as the days creep by and nothing changes.

"Just a game?" he retorts, "Yeah well maybe for you but not for me. I need something to do, to look forward to and you're being such a downer. Maybe I should go over to the new resident and see if he's more fun than you."

"Oh."

"All you do is stay inside your head." he replies, before leaning closer to whisper under his breath, "You should do what I do."

"What?" I ask.

He glances back behind him to the nurse whose too distracted by another resident as Shawn calls us. "Hide the pills in your mouth and convince them you're taking it. That way they can't numb you up for the day." he whispers.

"You're not taking-"

"Hey be quiet." he whispers to shut me up. "Don't be so loud, I don't need them on my case again. I was just suggesting another method to cope. Come on look at me I'm fine. I don't need the crap they give us."

"They don't know?" I ask a little curious.

"Of course they don't. I fake it, pretend I'm medicated to confuse them. To begin with I don't belong here." he informs me.

"You kill-"

"Did I?" he retorts.

I shrug, "I don't know."

"Exactly. I'm just like you, innocent." he says. His crazy eyes staring into mine again don't convince me but I choose to stay quiet. "Like I was saying I heard the nurses whispering to each other about the new resident. Mumbling on about him being here and he isn't just a normal candidate to be here."

"He's not crazy enough?" I joke.

He smirks, "Who said 'we're' crazy? I see us as extraordinary people society doesn't understand. But him," he looks behind me straight ahead. I decide to give in to turn around to see who he's talking about. "He's different I just haven't found out why. The nurses are too quiet and hushed about it desperate their constant nonstop chatter." Shawn finishes saying as I notice the person sitting in the corner.

He is sitting by himself away from everyone and everything. Staring off into space while an even darker cloud floats above him. He is lost or at least emotionless.

I can't tell, I can only guess but the look in his eyes when his meet mine force me to turn around. Somehow I remember him, I know him but I don't know how.