Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twelve: Sentenced

Two Years Later...

A murder charge is the last thing I thought I would face in my life.

I had convinced myself the past was bad enough for me. I was being haunted and reminded every night I shut my eyes. Drawn into nightmares but I could always open my eyes. I could wake up but not anymore.

Nightmares simply don't end once you open your eyes. No, sometimes they are just beginning to become a demented reality I can never escape.

Quickly I learned I only ever felt a small speck of pain and sadness before in my sixteen years of life. There is nothing equivalent to what I felt waking up and realizing nothing was okay. I was awake and Vivian was gone. She was dead and within hours, I was blamed and suspected of killing her. Nothing I could say to have them believe me made sense. I wasn't able to get through to my dad, the police, detectives and the rest that followed.

In the end my fragmented sentences, trying to explain, were nonsensical to everyone. None of my words were a credible reason. Nothing mattered. And I know my dad without question doubted me.

Why wouldn't he? Why shouldn't I? I'm guilty by everyone's assumptions with blood on my hands just like Jared's.

I don't want to believe I did what I'm accused of when I never once thought of hurting my sister. I wanted to protect her. Nothing in my head ever included thoughts of killing or hurting anyone. I was a normal sixteen year old. I was trying to be, without thinking about my stupid past everyone seemed to continue to connect me to.

Okay, I wasn't normal without problems and a past, but I tried. I didn't want to be him. I'm not him. I was nothing like him at the time getting through school and life. I had a good friend, a boyfriend I kept hidden and a family who cared. I just wanted to turn eighteen. I wanted to move away to escape this state but that isn't going to happen anytime soon.

By the looks of today and the way the dice rolls, I'm expecting today will be my last day out. Last hours which really isn't entirely out but inside a courtroom waiting. I didn't once foresee this in the future, past as it is now, coming into play. I didn't  imagine Vivian dying, killed, before me let alone in the very house she didn't at any time step foot in until she died. 

I know I didn't kill her. I never wanted to hurt her. I keep telling myself, struggling to hold onto what I know is the truth to me.

I didn't lay a hand on her to cause her death. I wouldn't hurt her but...I don't remember for sure. I can't remember what happened to get us from the corn maze to the house. I don't understand how we could have gotten there with no car and the hours it takes to drive to what used to be home.

I don't understand.

The dark abandoned house flashes back into my head. I remember waking up on the floor with a pounding headache and seeing the person wearing a scarecrow mask standing above me. He was leaning in and whispering to me, "I know your secret Jayden."

I wish I tried harder to get up. I wish I took off his mask, and I could know who did this and have him in trouble. Hold him accountable and not me. Change the whole night and stop this irreversible mess without a sister from happening.

Except I can't do any of the above. I can't change her death now two years later. She's gone, and I'm on trial for her murder but everyone has it wrong. It wasn't me. I know it wasn't me who left her upstairs. I couldn't have, I wouldn't have but no one believes me. It's never mattered what I said.

No one believed me then, and they don't believe me today.

Hope began slipping away the moment I became a suspect. Doubt following suit, wondering and struggling not to fall into the words they spoke. Trying not to believe everyone who doubted me and my answers.