Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Fifteen: Make Friends Or Enemies

A dreaded feeling sweeps over me in the pit of my stomach. Unsettling thoughts floating in my head I can barely understand. I'm struggling to see truth in Doctor Chamberlain's words and not the seriousness of what he spoke by mentioning I can be outside of my room.

Did I hear him right? Is he really telling me I can be near people sentenced to spend their lives here? People too unstable they couldn't handle prison? That doesn't make sense!

None of the people here are okay. None, me included, will be welcomed back into society again. We're too dangerous for the outside world but then somehow we can be around each other inside here?

I'm completely dumfounded. I thought I was confined to my room I was assigned. Never allowed out during the day. I didn't know there was the slightest chance I would be able to get out during the day with others if - like he said -  attempt to make a little more progress.

He's got to be joking. He can't be serious about allowing md out of my room more than these hour visits to see him twice a week like I have. Why would he or anyone in this place possibly want everyone together? Why would I want to be surrounded around everyone else here?

I almost laugh in disbelief but I decide to hold it back. I don't feel the need to appear more unstable than I know he probably thinks I am.

I haven't spoken more than several sentences to him. Deciding not to waste my time trying to convince him into anything when I can tell he doesn't believe me.  He can't remotely believe I'm sane. He only wants me to talk to him to begin slowly unraveling at the seams. Have me confess to what the police wanted me to say and he can become the person to say he heard from my mouth I killed my sister but that's not going to happen.

He's lying to me. He's not telling the truth and I'm on my own. No one to listen and believe my side of the story. But who knows maybe I did do it like my nightmares show?

"Don't you want to be out of your room Jayden?" he asks waiting for me to say something, anything. Proving me wrong altogether because he said exactly what I thought he did and I'm guessing he actually means I'm allowed out of my room.

"I didn't know I was allowed." I answer honestly.

I don't feel excitement. I don't feel happy at the mention to be out of my room with other people I don't know. More than anything I feel anxious. Unsure of the outcome of being out of the room I spend hours in my own world to being around people.

"Of course you can. This hospital wasn't built to keep those residing here in their rooms Jayden." he replies.

Oh is that what he calls being here? Just residing like this is a vacation?

I feel the burden of my sister's death worsening as days pass by. There is no relief in here, no comfort. I'm suffocating in the sorrow and pain as I begin to think I'm at fault. Memories rushing up and I wonder is Jared proud I ended up just like him?

Does this sound like a paradise? Does this appear as a place I want to be? Somewhere I want to be surrounded by others who can't be trusted based on their crimes?

"You've been here for almost a month Jayden." he states as if I've forgotten.

I know how long I've been here. I know every hour that passes by. I watch the seconds pass me by as the sun rises and sets once again. I'm not completely lost yet. Not at the point in my life I can't see the days slipping by and I'm still inside. Unable to go outside and live the life I thought I would have at eighteen.

I would have been far away from a state I lived my entire life in. Away from the past that is always right behind me. I would have escaped it altogether. I would have a life of my own somewhere else. Maybe go to college. Maybe not. Live my life with someone I knew I shouldn't be with because he is older but age wouldn't matter anymore. I would finally be old enough to live my life the way I wanted to. No one could tell me anything because I know what's best for me. I knew what I wanted in life for the most part and that would have been a life I still kept in contact with my family. I would still have a little sister that is alive and not gone like she is.