Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Five: Nightmares and Trust Issues

As soon as my eyes shut, after tossing and turning for hours the night we got home after dinner, I was lost in a nightmarish memory I wish I hadn't fallen back into. I couldn't escape it. I couldn't wake myself up as much as I tried not wanting to relive the memory. Instead I was forced to stay stuck in my head and unlike my dad's memories mine are horrible and terrifying from a child's perspective not an adult.

There is no excuse to be made for Jared. No excuses that he has problems and needs help. It's clearly right there before my eyes he's just mean. He's just a bad person who feeds off of hurting people. He's everything I don't want to become and be.

In my darkened dream the house appears and I'm taken inside. Pulled in with no possible way to escape. Through my eyes it's dark and scary inside. I'm terrified already only in the beginning of seeing this play out. Drawn back to a place where the memories lie from countless nights just like this one I can't forget.

Darkness continues to cloud my vision but I can still see my dad's shadow. His outline while I'm in his arms as he hides the both of us in the bedroom. Sitting on the bed, stuck with nowhere to go. Trying to escape the anger and rage from Jared because he's changed into someone else.

I'm trembling. I want to leave. I want to get away. I want him to turn back into the dad I loved and didn't fear like when he took us to the fair earlier in the day but somehow I know even at four that isn't going to happen. That isn't possible now when he's mad.

Daddy says he's not trying to be mean. Jared has problems and he likes to drink. He had a bad childhood with parents who didn't care. They hurt him and because they did he's troubled. He has anger issues he has trouble controlling like his dad did. He doesn't mean to be mean and hurt us. He doesn't mean any of it but in the moment we sit there I'm terrifed.

"Go ahead and cry like you're a fucking victim! You're not that innocent Jonhathan!" Jared screams from the other side of the door. He's someone else now, someone I fear more than anything.

I feel my heart in my throat as a sickening feeling begins to rush up. I'm about to throw up and have the dinner I ate not long ago displayed on my dad's clothes being held so tight. There is nothing I can do to stop it. And then it happens, the door opens to the room and I can't hold it in any longer.

I shrug off the dream, memory from when I was younger, and try to think of something else as I walk down the sidewalk. Trying to look inconspicuous down a familiar street I've gone down too many times to count. Busying myself with the present versus the past ruining my day.

I laugh internally at my lousy attempt when the present isn't any better. What was I thinking believing he loved me and wouldn't hurt me?

Blaine said he loved me. He said he cared about me, me. He said we have something special no one can take away. He promised me he would never hurt me but he is. He did when I caught him with someone else.

He told me lies! Told me he was staying home and not doing much without me! But is everything just a lie?

I thought he loved me. I thought he was different because he's older. I thought he wasn't immature and hurtful like the people at my school. I wanted believe he wouldn't hurt me. I guess I was wrong. Wrong and stupid for showing up at his place right now to see him.

What's wrong with me? Why am I this pathetic to continue to love him?

Walking up the side to the back door of his house on a peaceful street I make sure no one is watching. Not wanting to be caught and that's the reason why I'm not stupid enough to give him my number and talk through text when my dad would find out.