Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty Six: Jordan

Several Months Earlier...

(Jordan)

"Jordan please let's talk about this first?" he begs me standing in my room feet away from me. Inching ever so closely he thinks I haven't noticed. He thinks I've overlooked his need to step closer, insistence to help me but I haven't. I have a close eye on him as he watches me like a hawk. His eyes, the same as mine, look back at me. He's searching for the son he thought he had and not a lost child whose this demented in the head. After all my older siblings are nothing like me. They are perfect replicas of our parents. Perfect in every way while I lack such perfection in the eyes of fellow classmates and the people in the dreadful place we call home.

"What's there to talk about?" I turn and grin a wild crazy smile he wants to scurry away from. He's not liking this new side of me he was unaware of but too bad. Too sad because this side of me is to stay. I'm not going to play silent perfect child another minute, another second. I'm tired of the dull repetive days I'm not heard and the nights I'm all alone. I won't take being invisible for the rest of my life. I've done it long enough. Eighteen fucking years I spent stuck in a shell. I was invisible and now to be in control, feel this adreneline running through my veins is a high like no other.

I grip the knife tighter in my hand, heart racing. I like the feeling. I like seeing him scared for once. Scared of me because then I know he's alive. He feels emotions just like I do and not only sees everyone else's. "I can get you help and everything will be okay."

"Nothing is okay dad." I loosen the knife in my hand and toss it in the air to catch as I watch his expression morph into horror thinking I was going to hurt myself. I'm not. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm thriving off of his anxious feelings growing inside him.

Concern is glossed over his face and I love it. I love seeing him this worried over my so called break down he didn't see coming. I guess that shows his poor parenting skills but what did I expect from him?

Since I was born, even before, he has been too involved in work. Living for work and helping others out of our household. He is swarmed by some need to keep him gone most of the day and well into the night. And when he's not too consumed by work he's spending his free time with my other dad.

They know little about the little boy whose now eighteen it's laughable. Pathetic really. Three kids, two boys and a girl, I'm the youngest yet I get little to no attention. I can venture in this world as I please no one notices. Our parents think I'm fine by myself. They think I am completely fine like my siblings in college but I'm not. I never was. I have plenty of secrets to prove them wrong but none I am willing to share right now. Not now when I'm interested in one goal; getting my point across any way necessary. I'm done with pretend when the real me is too scary it's not normal. I'm not normal by any means if normal even existed.

*****

Present...

Our conversation dies down and we become silent. I pick my book back up off the table and pretend to continue reading. Displaying to him and everyone in this institution I'm not interested in talking anymore. I rather be lost in my own world like I have been these days, months I've been here than talk to Shawn.

"What were you talking about?" he is quick to pry.

I don't bother looking up as I hide the smirk on my face filled with irritation. I'm supposed to be here getting help but instead I feel worse whenever he's around. I'm on edge wanting him gone but he doesn't leave.

"Nothing." Jayden replies and from the corner of my eye glancing down at my book I can see him turn to the window. He's staring out at the birds near the water. Jealousy is laced in his eyes of being stuck in here while outside life is still going on.

"It's supposed to rain again." Shawn goes on, never shutting up and it's driving me crazy.

"Oh." Jayden replies staring out it's easy to see the clouds are dark in the sky. It's going to rain and I can sense his uneasiness he tries to hide. He's scared of rain, scared of thunderstorms I know by his reaction to the last. He was scared and most people are with the lightening and thunder. It's understandable everyone has fears but I can tell his fear is more than just thunderstorms and tornado warnings.

I know as much or more than the rest of the people involving Jayden and his past. He grew up with a father that terrified him and a dad that didn't help. He had a different life than I did and that makes me wish if there was one person I could switch lives with it would be him. He's always been nice to me. Talked to me a few times in class but he had another friend, Duncan, who kept him away from becoming friends with me.

Of course now he doesn't have any friends here or outside of this place. Shawn doesn't count while I'm just someone he remembered going to the same high school with. He knows less about me than Shawn does. Everyone does except whispers in the halls of why I'm here.

I don't have to really be here. I'm not like - well maybe I am. I can't say without a doubt there isn't something wrong with me. I need help but I don't want it. I'm here because my dad wanted me to get help. He was able to get me into this place to seek help but is that helping?

No, I'm still the same. Thoughts of doing whatever it takes to get what I want and I know just how to do it. I know how to slip by without being questioned and how to remain invisible when I want to. It's what I've been doing my entire life, in the dark hidden from everyone and I hate it at the same time.

I hate being looked passed, looked through as if I don't exist. No one sees me. No one listens to me because I say nothing. I become a coward in a sense and I don't know how to discover a voice for myself. I keep quiet and that's why Jayden never knew I liked him.

*****

"Your father cares about you Jordan. He wants you to get better with your stay here." Doctor Shelby says like usual informing me unlike most of the patients, prisoners, sent here I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm not here for long term but a temporary stay.

Though I don't see this as temporary when I was admitted eight months ago by my dad and so far I'm nowhere close to leaving. I haven't made enough progress in here. I'm inside my head doing little to want the help being given to me and that makes my dad mad. He's livid I know but he won't say it. He wants to be looked up to as someone everyone should thrive to be and want for themselves. He's supposed to have a perfect family but he doesn't. I'm his flaw, his failure he is now forced to deal with.

"Then why does he work all the time?" I counter.

Shelby sits up in his seat clearly frustrated with this session going nowhere. I think he actually rather talk to anyone but me in this place because at least with one of them he thinks he's getting somewhere. With me he's hit a dead end and that bothers him a great deal. Dad and him both thrive off of helping someone, anyone but when they can't they start to unravel at the seams.

"What is it you expect from your father?" he asks motivated as he glances at the time to see me leave and this session over with.

"Nothing." I answer truthful.

"Then what's the reason for you acting out eight months ago at home?

"Was I acting out?" I retort.

"You stabbed him Jordan." he replies.

I laugh at his use of the word stabbed. I didn't stab my dad but merely cut him. Slice his skin with the sharp knife a little deep but nothing major. I wasn't trying to kill him. I only hurt him on the fact he came up to me when my back was turned and tried to grab the knife out of my hands. "He's not dead." I tell him.

"Do you think this is fun and games?" he asks with concern and anger in his voice.

He thinks I'm unstable I can see from the look in his eyes. He thinks I shouldn't be allowed to leave and maybe that's the reason for my extended stay but it's not like it matters to me. I'm actually enjoying my stay here with no worries of the world out there and that is what is getting under Shelby's skin. "I don't know you tell me." I smirk.