"Here's your medication." the same nurse who stops by at night says handing me over a small white cup filled with my dose to put me to sleep or whatever it does. I don't know. I don't know the reason behind the medication and what it does. I still don't and maybe that contributed to me taking Shawn's suggestion.
I didn't need them before. I was perfectly fine, sane, until what happened to change my life forever. So why do I need them now?
Change brought the insanity and I know the pills aren't helping me. They never did, they never will.
I get up from the bed, walking over to take the cup. I quickly follow into the same routine of pretending. Pretending to take the pills as I give no indication I'm doing something wrong to make him question me.
He doesn't take long for him to think I swallowed the pills and he says goodnight before heading off to the next room. Free to walk out the door I can't exit out of until morning.
I have the rest of the night as I lay back in the bed to think. Wonder because I'm not tired. I'm wide awake left thinking about my fucked up life I can't escape. Am I better without the pills? Am I worse?
I don't known. I feel the same. Numb inside and out. Nothing is different but it doesn't stop me from spitting the pills out of my mouth and shoving them into my pocket another day.
I'll get rid of them tomorrow. Dispose of them in a trash can after I eat without anyone noticing. I don't know why I'm doing it to begin with other than I'm sick of doing everything I'm told to. I just want something I can control. Something no one has control over. I want to be okay again and this is me being okay.
*****
"How are you today?" he says quick to ask.
My mind blanks for an answer to reply but words still come out, "Good." the same generic answer is said.
I'm good. I'm fine for being inside here. I'm perfect falling into the same routine since I arrived. Nothing different, nothing resembling comfort in my eyes. I don't find comfort anymore in the letter letter my dad sent. His words faded into nothing. I have to face it I'm alone in here and my sister is still gone. I'm going to remain inside this prison with nowhere to go. What's the point of talking? Who said my dad can actually save me from this place when my head keeps playing tricks on me. I did it, I didn't do it then I did again. Which is it? Is it both?
"Can you elaborate Jayden?" he presses for more information as I try to keep myself away from the truth.
He's asking for words I don't want to express. Answers I keep inside myself too far down I'm surprised I can without breaking down like I did when he asked me to talk and I brought up the scarecrow.
I stopped bringing it up once I realized no one was going to listen to me. I stopped trying to explain. I'm used to being looked like I'm crazy. I'm used to keeping that part, that night in my memory kept alive in me.
Except in my dreams.
My dreams are different, my nightmares display me as the horrible monster but that's not what he's asking. He wants me to talk about how I am, not what happened but I avoid my thoughts too. I have to because if I don't I can't escape the darkness I remember in the house.
"You started talking to Shawn?" he changes the subject for me.
I stare up curious to how he knows. Wondering does he watch me, watch everyone. Does he know I'm not taking the pills Shawn said don't help?
"The nurse said you were. You talked to him during the day, played checkers but not anymore?"
"He approached me to begin with but he doesn't anymore."
YOU ARE READING
Nightmares Never Go Away
General FictionAll Jayden wants is to be nothing like his father Jared... Jayden Kohl, Jonhathan Kohl's son, is all grown up or at least he thinks he is. At sixteen years old he is one year older than his dad was when he began talking to a man online and ended up...
