Nightmares Never Go Away

Chapter Twenty Seven: You're Not Alone

(Jayden)

"Don't think too much." Jordan says, thoughts of what I wish would happen to me reels in my head. Bad thoughts of not wanting to live and I can't stop them. "It only makes it worse."

"I know." I say as I continue to think. Thoughts begin to shuffle around in my head. Everything I keep to myself and don't let out invades the present I'm here. Held back, choked by the dreams I keep hidden and buried along with the bad memories. My life is spinning, tilting out of my control as the people who are supposed to be able to help me do more harm than good.

There are only so many times you can be told you're doing better but does that truly matter? I don't feel fine. I have nothing besides waking up another day in here and repeating the day before again.

I can't go back in time. I can't go forward more than I am allowed. Nothing really changes in here and neither have I. I can speak until I'm blue in the face but there's still words I'm having trouble saying.

Back and forth I go; did I hurt her or was it someone else? Am I just like him belonging in a place like this? Do I want to know? Does it change anything to accept this? How can a year go by in here, three from her death and I can't be okay? But was I ever okay?

"I hurt my dad that's why I'm here."

"What?"

"You said you wanted to know why I'm here right?" I say nothing as he continues to go on, "I...I don't know what happened. One minute I was fine and then the next is a blur I struggle to remember."

Shawn is nowhere around, he wasn't for lunch either and this is when Jordan talks. He's telling me why he's here for some reason and I don't know what to say. What can I say? What am I suppose to when he's talking about why he's here and what he did. He brought it up himself and part of me wants to know. Find out the reason but another part feels I'm being invasive. And if he talks will I have to talk and share my secrets too?

"What do you mean you don't remember?"

"I don't remember." he shrugs and I get the feeling he's lying. How can he not remember what happened? How was everything a blur to him like it was for me? Does he really not remember or is this a ploy to toy with me for fun? "I hurt my dad." he says on an attempt to prove me wrong. "I didn't kill him if that's what you're thinking. I just hurt him but he's fine now. I got sent here because he's friends with one of the doctors. I guess that makes me lucky however you want to look at it."

"Well at least you're not going to be here for the rest of your life." I retort at his way of joking at his stay that isn't permenant. It must be nice to know certain people and be sent to get help. Nice to be treated than labeled my whole life as someone who will one day turn into a monster repeating the same as Jared did. No one thought more of me not even my grandma.

"I read a poem when I was thriteen." he changes the subject. His eyes lightening up at the thought of it for a brief second. while I don''t care about a poem that means nothing to me. "I think I was thirteen at the time. I came across it online and I had no idea who the writer was. I just knew after reading the first few lines there was truth in it. She knew what she was talking about"

"What was it about?" I decide to ask.

His smile fades, "About the way kids are raised and the way they will grow up because of it."