shawn mendes imagines {under editing}

it's been one year

shawn mendes imagines
imagine xcv
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shawn's pov

dear shawn,

by the time that your reading this, i'll be gone. the first thing i want to tell you is that absolutely nothing that happened was your fault. i don't want you living with unnecessary guilt. when you came into my life, you swept me off my feet and flipped my world around; for the better. i don't think i'll ever be able to express my thanks for that.

i love you so much, and doing this hurts me just as much as it will hurt you.

i honestly don't know what i will do without you, but i know you will move on. it hurt me that your fans never accepted me for me, always wishing i was someone i'm not or asking me to change. but, they are your family and family is forever. i will miss the way you would wake me up every morning, planting kisses all over my face. i will miss the way you hugged me when you returned home from tour, holding me tighter and tighter each time. i will especially miss those evenings when you come home from the studio exhausted and we would sit on the couch, tangled in each others arms. just relaxing.

what i'm trying to say is that i will miss you. and i know you will miss me, but i ask that you not shut yourself out. don't stop singing, touring or hanging out with friends. continue to live your normal life because you and i both know i hate it to see you cry. i am not worth your tears anyway, i'm just not.

i guess i will end this letter here. i love you shawn, and i never want you to forget that.

lots of love,
sofia

tears ran down my cheeks as I read the letter my girlfriend, sofia, left me when she was about to take her life. if i had have came home from the studio any later than i did that evening, it would have been too late.

i would have lost her.

i never threw away the letter, and today, i found it in my dresser drawer.

it's been one year since the accident, and even now it still makes me cry.

i don't know if sofia knows that i have the letter, but i would rather not find out.

feeling small arms wrap around my torso, i sniffle and crumple the letter. i felt a head rest against my back and when my body turned, i was face to face with sofia.

her eyes were filled with confusion, moving from my tear stained face to my trembling hands. she gently unwrapped my hands and took the letter into her own hands.

"sofia, i-"

"i-is this-" after unwrapping it, she looked back up at me with her mouth agape.

i took the paper from her, throwing it somewhere behind me and pulling her against my chest. she wrapped her arms around my torso and when i felt her shaking, i knew she was crying.

"sof, please don't cry. i-i don't want you to cry-"

"w-why did you keep that?" she hiccuped, her hands clutching the back of my shirt tightly.

"because, i-i thought that would be the last thing i would get from you," i whispered.

this time, it was my turn to let everything out.

i cried, my body shaking with every sob that racked through my body. i could tell that she was taken back by my sudden outburst of tears, but i couldn't help it.

she wrapped her arms around me and pulled my body close to her's, her fingers intertwining with my hair.

"i-i thought i was actually going t-to lose you-" another sob cut me off mid sentence.

i haven't shown that i was petrified. i have been keeping all of these emotions to myself because of needing to strong for sofia. letting them out ater so long admittingly felt really good.

"no, baby, i'm right here. i'll always be right here...." she whispered, bringing her hands to my back and rubbing her palms up and down.

"no! it's because of me that you're still alive! it's because of me that you didn't swallow every pain killer in that damn bottle! if i had of came home any later, y-you would have died! i can't take the pain of possibly coming home from the studio and you being gone!" i wept even harder then before, my body slouching to the ground.

sofia dropped with me, keeping her arms around my torso.

"shawn, please calm down," she croaked, not having seen me like this before, "shhh, everything's fine."

"i-i was so scared," i whispered, my hands trembling at my sides.

"i know," she nodded into my neck, her arms still around my body, "so was i. but you were so strong for me, you helped me while i was getting better."

"please promise me one thing," my voice wavered as i spoke.

"anything baby, what is it?" she replied softly, tucking her hand into her sweater sleeve and sweeping away my tears.

"promise me you won't ever leave me, that you will a-always be here," i said, looking down at her.

"of course i will, i don't want you ever thinking that i'll leave," she kissed the side of my head, "not anymore."

"okay," i replied, pulling her to my side.

she curled up close to my side, her head against my neck. her breath fanned against my skin, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms. sniffling, i wiped away the last of my tears and smiled softly, looking down at her. my heart slowed down in my chest, my breathing returning to normal.

"let's go lay down honey, i think we both could use some rest right now," sofia said, grabbing my hand and guiding me up from the floor.

"okay," i whispered, following her through the hallway and to our room.

upon opening the door, i slouched onto the bed and anxiously waited for sofia to lay down next to me. when she did, i tightly wrapped my arm around her waist and rid any space in between us by pulling her body against mine. i pressed my trembling lips against her forehead and she smiled, leaning up and kissing my jaw, then my chin, then my lips.

"i love you sofia, i always will," i whispered when we pulled away.

"i know," she nodded, "and i love you too."

wc: 1104

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- shawn mendes imagines
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