Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

4 :: skin and bones (&)

[january 7th]

: hello it properly snowed today and happy happy new year actually. i love mindless self indulgence i'm seriously getting into them help me. anyways i need to keep my updating nice and regular so expect the next chapter sometime soon because i've abandoned all of my other stories for this one. i'm very responsible. 

also this song is skin and bones by marianas trench and oh my god this song kills me this whole album makes me so sad just to know that josh went through all of this stuff i never want him to be sad oh jeez man. okay. try to enjoy, i suppose ? you probably won't. it's badly written sadness.

SORRY LAST THING i no that no one takes my song recs seriously but if you want a song to turn up until your head hurts that will make you really really smile and feel like life is actually going really well listen to sleepyhead by passion pit. i love it so much. thank you.

it all looks so big

nevermind, i don't feel anything

it only hurt a bit

and i still feel like shit

and i think you won't be able to recognize me now

it's easier to quit

it's harder to admit

and you're pushing me

you're fucking pushing me

Kellin had been having a bad day. Deciding which days were bad and which were good had started getting harder and harder and it all sounded so fucking emo but he was more depressed than he could have thought and the only reason he got up in the mornings was because he never even slept. Which was fine, everything was fine, he was fine.

Except that he didn't sleep because he was scared of having nightmares and he was probably a hundred pounds heavier than he would like to be and he was terrified of actually being someone that wasn't a scared, sad, fat kid who had no defining personality traits and wasn't good at anything except eating too much and feeling sorry for himself. The worst thing was, that these days every single thing scared him. Food scared him. Scales scared him. Alcohol scared him. P.E class scared him. People locking doors while he was in the room scared him. Thinking certain people were attractive scared him. Perhaps the worst of all, taking his medication scared him.

Did he want to get better? Yes. Did he want to gain more weight or throw up or sleep too much or get really bad headaches? No. God, no, he just didn't want to feel sad anymore and god he just wanted to rip his skin off but he was too afraid of what was underneath to even try and he wanted so much yet he wasn't doing anything about it, so he just sat next to Ryan in their current events class that was honestly the biggest waste of time he had ever invested in, stared at the wall, and sunk deeper into the metaphorical pit of depression quicksand that no one was going to pull him out of anytime soon. In Lost in Space, someone always dragged someone else out of the space quicksand they always got caught in but Kellin didn't have anyone to help him, and he sort of wished that he did but he sort of didn't because he was awkward and bad and didn't know what he wanted he just specifically knew what he didn't want. 

The class was debating, talking about election and they lived in San Francisco so all anyone had to say was that they hated Donald Trump and Kellin just stared at the wall because no one was going to drag him into the conversation. 

Ryan hadn't washed her hair because it looked greasy and wasn't fluffy and had the classic dirty look going on. It was too long, as well, and she kept pushing it back from her face and around her head like she just couldn't get it to work and the view of her messing with it in Kellin's peripheral vision was really getting on his nerves so he just resulted to burying his head in his crossed arms on the table. And maybe it was the right thing to do, because he fell asleep.