Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

16 :: santa stole my girlfriend

[april 6th]

: hey i just met one of the biggest inspirations in my entire life, a dude named shane koyczan who writes poetry and just made tonight maybe one of the best of my life. he wrote "you are alive" on the back of a lil calendar comic thing that i thought he might find funny. i'm sort of in floaty happy land and i haven't updated in a bit so i decided hey why not

this song is santa stole my girlfriend by the maine and their new album comes out in like two hours so that's cool. i love them. 

santa, you bitch

didn't get a damn thing from my christmas list

all i got was this broken heart and that's it

It was almost Christmas and Vic and Kellin had gone to a shitty restaurant with Jack and Alex which felt too much like a double date and would have been a lot better if Jenna and Tay had come.

Which they hadn't because Tay wouldn't open her door and according to Jenna, who had told this to Vic, who had told this to Kellin, she was still alive but something had happened and she would be okay but wasn't at that moment in time. At least she had someone there for her.

Kellin spent a good amount of the night trying to melt into the space between the window and the edge of the booth, and booths were the best and they had snatched one right in the back of the place, but he was too anxious to order anything so Vic did it for him which made him feel like a fucking five year old, so he just sat sort of angstily while everyone else had a proper conversation.

He barely knew Alex, anyways, and had heard a lot about him from Jack but Kellin still wasn't sure what to think of him. It was sort of odd that he had heard so much about Alex's personal problems before he had actually introduced himself to him, because it always went that you met someone and later on you found out about their deep dark secrets but Kellin had been informed all about Alex's messy family and mental disorders far before he had even seen what color his hair was.

It was pink, that's what it was. And not a pretty pink.

He felt fat and it was now he felt even more fat because he was surrounded by people who just weren't, and he was altogether a really undesirable excuse for a human, but Vic kept giving him little grins and things and he liked Vic, but.

But he knew that nothing could ever happen between them. Vic could call him pretty a million times and nothing would ever change because Vic hadn't seen anything yet, he had seen a chubby face and scarred arms, he hadn't seen the scars that were layered like cobwebs across his thighs, the expanse of his stomach that not even the baggiest shirts could hide, he didn't know. And he wouldn't know.

Everyone else was talking about fairy lights when their food came. And everyone started eating except for Kellin who was taking out all of his anger and hatred through his eyes at the plate in front of him. It wasn't a lot of food, it was fine, it was some sort of sandwich, which would make a lot of sense because it was a fucking sandwich place but he didn't know what was in it and he didn't know how many calories it was and it was so weird how food worked, how calories worked, how fat worked, how everyone at the table ate the same foods but something had gone wrong with him, he felt like he was embarrassing everyone just by sitting there, maybe by just existing, and it was all because of that stupid sandwich.

And he couldn't help but feel like he was taking up too much space, like he was just too big too big too big too big too big too-

He couldn't eat the sandwich because a stranger named Alex was sitting diagonally across the table from him and he couldn't- he couldn't stand to know that Alex was judging him somehow inside of his mind and he had spent enough time around Vic and Jack that he knew enough of what they thought of him and Alex was a blank slate- he felt like he was going to have a breakdown.