Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

15 :: colorblind (&)

[april 1st]

: hey it is part 2 of death and i'm still very sorry. i know i have my & in the title but i'd just like to restate the purpose of it for this chapter because i never write like this and i only have for this chapter: there is proper real fairly graphic self harm in here. here is your second warning. 

also happy april i am a fool and this story is a major joke. fun times! this song is colorblind by counting crows it broke my heart and it has not been repaired yet. good luck.

i am covered in skin

no one gets to come in

pull me out from inside

i am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding

i am colorblind

December 20th.

A special day.

Or it was supposed to be, and special wasn't the right word for it because it wasn't special anymore, no, now it was just a bad day. The worst day. Now it was just a day where Kellin had somehow actually slept without anything bad taking place in his mind yet he couldn't get himself out of bed and it all felt like it had before and the light coming in through the blinds was too bright and everything was a big mess of too much.

"Kellin." It was Vic and he was probably wondering why Kellin wasn't awake, first off, and why he wasn't getting ready for class and why he was just lying in bed. "Are you coming to class?"

"No." Maybe it would have been better to at least try to go and spend time with people and try to distract himself because that's what he had done last year except last year, fuck, it had all been too exciting.

"Are you alright?" In his mind, the decision was made to actually go to class because if he lay in bed all day with nothing but his thoughts, things probably wouldn't turn out so well. Still, he couldn't be compelled to reply. Vic hung around him, cracking at his knuckles and acting awkward. "Do you want me to tell the office you're sick? ....So they don't get mad?" He asked, too kind for his own good.

"No. I'm- I'll come." Kellin's words were muffled by the blankets. "You can go." Even quieter.

"Okay." And Vic left without another word, shutting the door gently behind him.

- 1 yr -

December 20th.

A special day.

He was excited, maybe too excited, maybe oddly ecstatic, and it was that day where everything was so completely worth it. All of the eating had been worth it, the cutting had been worth it, the date had been worth it, and he wasn't going to regret any of it.

At first, he had been sort of upset when he realize that he would lose the sharp edges of himself, bony knees, knobby elbows, outlined ribs, a jawline. But he had come to realize that it couldn't matter as much as he made it seem and that, after all, it was just a body.

That morning, it was easier than ever to get out of bed because the odd comfort was knowing that it was his last morning alive. Maybe it sounded worse than he wanted but it was completely reassuring to know that he wouldn't have to go through any of it ever again.

It could happen one last time, he could binge one last time, he could cry one last time, he could cut one last time. He could breathe one last time. And then it would all be over.

It would all be over.

- -

Tay didn't meet him at the edge of the hall like she usually did. That was already a bad start, the anxiety and fear of not having Tay around, of having to do his english presentation all alone, of everything like that because it was pathetic but it was one of those little things he had come to depend on in his day.