Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

19 :: andria (&)

[april 22nd]

: hey there it's nearly may and things are on their way to being really really good. not quite there but almost i am feeling a lot better than i was back in november (when i first POSTED this) but have mercy's album is aiding in making me feel alive it's called make the best of it go listen to it you might just enjoy it.

this song is andria by la dispute (my favorites) and the lyrics i put in here hit me really hard and they're very special i love la dispute so much. this is the last truly sad chapter you're ever gonna read is that cool or what. it's nice for the sadness to be over. thanks for sticking with me.

if i can't love you as a lover

i will love you as a friend

and i will lay a bed before you

keep you safe until the end

"I don't understand this." Tay glanced sideways at Kellin and leaned across the table, her elbow ending up right in the middle of all of his work.

They had been studying since school had let out, at a table in the back of the library that was covered in their own highlighters, pens, sticky notes, textbooks, and pieces of paper. Kellin felt stupid because Tay was smart and was breezing through review packets as though she had the answers written on the back of her hand while Kellin stared at his notes and tried to get things through his head. It wasn't working. 

"What don't you get? That?" Tay pointed at a series of formulas in the book, and Kellin nodded. "That was back in geometry. That's easy!" She said, looking back up at him as if he had a proper answer to that. He just shrugged. "Sine, cosine, tangent. You don't remember?" He stared at her, blank faced.

"Does it seem like I remember?"

He had had math first block of the day. And while "first block of the day" classes usually resulting in students drifting off and not really learning anything of use due to being way too tired, Kellin had simply just missed the class a lot of days. It hadn't been the school that he had missed because of being in the hospital, it had just been him unable to get out of bed in the mornings. He had found a school late slip stuck in the pages of a science textbook and had photocopied it, with his mom's signature, of course, to bring into the office so that his mom wouldn't question why he had been tardy so many times.

"What, you didn't take geometry?" Tay asked, dragging the book across Kellin's papers, folding them over and wrinkling them.

"Yeah, I did, I just missed a lot of class." Ignoring that sentence, Tay bit her lip and stared at the book.

"Right, there's an acronym. Soh cah toa," she said, writing it down on the paper. "Sine, sine is opposite leg divided by hypotenuse. It's for solving triangles. Special right triangles, well, they have the forty five forty five ninety ones and then there's the thirty sixty nine-"

"Tay." Kellin interrupted, his eyes blurred from zoning out on Tay's pencil flying around his paper. "You're not explaining it well." Tay sighed.

"Here, maybe this way-"

"I'll just do science." She looked worried, unnecessarily, but didn't say anything further. She went back to her work, but left Kellin's book open on the page that she had flipped to.

He stared at it and wondered why none of it made sense to him. He wasn't good at academics. He wasn't good at anything, not really, he had never felt talented at anything but had just stuck with the idea that a talent would showcase itself later but nothing ever did, everything just got worse and he got stuck in a mindset that he would never be good at anything, ever, and that, well, those weren't good thoughts but they were the only ones he could think anymore and as he watched Tay do her work across the table, he thought.