Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

18 :: am i pretty? (&)

[april 17th]

: hey hi there things are super okay right now and i have nothing much to complain about. see but i hate having an & in the title (the & is just like. a "trigger warning" basically) but it's just for this one conversation mainly there's nothing super terrible and sad like usual . whatever anyways try to enjoy alright

this song is am i pretty? by the maine and i love them i love their american candy album and forever halloween and their newest MASTERPIECE LOVELY LITTLE LONELY. GO BUY IT ON ITUNES. NICE. 

you think i'm ugly (don't you?)

and i know you hate my body

if you don't like just what i do

do what you like

so maybe then you'll want me

Owning up to things was never easy, especially things that had ruined your life that you were essentially the sole source of. And in the weeks following Kellin's trip to the doctor, he had come to realize that he did, in fact, have an eating disorder. It also came to his attention late one night that he wanted to cut himself. After months of scarring his wrists and thighs as a way to learn how to deal with pain that he had no control over, he had somehow convinced himself that no, he did not have a problem with self harm, and he would not crawl back to it when he didn't have food.

He was wrong.

It wasn't a habit that was simply that easy to kick, and he felt sick to his stomach when he realized that all he could think about was the feeling of blades piercing his flesh, the sight of thin drops of blood welling up, all of it mixing together into a bloody pool of torn flesh and open skin; it hadn't happened since the suicide attempt and it wasn't helpful, it wasn't what he wanted. 

And he didn't want to remember what the feeling of cutting his skin felt like, because it was a different sort of feeling than a binge. Binges were slow. Binges took their time and binges always felt worse after, everything about them was slow. The feeling that he was doing something right came slowly and reached the peak at some point, and then the feeling of how incredibly disgusting he was slowly made its way in. Cutting was quick. It hurt, it stung, he watched the wounds bleed for a bit, he patched them up, and the pain faded after a while. It wasn't so much of a big deal.

But maybe he needed to feel it again, just to remind him of what he didn't want to feel. That was stupid. He still wanted to binge, all the time, really, except these days, things were different.

He felt a little happier, happier with life and a little happier with who he was in general. He wasn't who he had been before and would never be who he had been before, but he was so much thinner than he had been when he had shown up, god, it made him feel sick to even realize how big he had been. Slowly, his clothes had gotten less tight and he had had less nightmares, Vic began smiling more, the dark circles under his eyes faded a bit, their matching bruises disappeared. Some of Kellin's scars disappeared while some got lighter and lighter. Some stayed the same.

Everything seemed sort of brighter, sort of different, but knowing that he was getting rid of the fat that he had persuaded himself that he needed to stay safe was scary, and he had convinced himself that he needed to be ugly in his own eyes to be ugly in someone else's eyes and it was stupid, it was always stupid, he was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. 

:::::::

Touch.

The same palm, same knuckles, same skin. Same shade. Scars. Nails. It was just a brush, he thought, it was an accident, until it took hold.