Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

17 :: sun

[april 12th]

: hey i'm on spring break and have currently lost all my sense of time. still, i've got to post this. i think this song is by two door cinema club and i think it's pretty alright i simply cannot remember i am so exhausted

i have run

i have waited for the rain to come

when through that mist

i see the shape of you

and i know, i know

that i'm in love with you

Kellin was missing P.E. It wasn't something that he thought would cross his mind at that exact moment and he knew that he didn't really miss it at all, but he felt like he'd rather be embarrassing himself in the gym rather than embarrassing himself by talking to some stupid counselor because his actions would die out after a while but his words would always be in people's minds.

It wasn't as if he had explained anything to Emily, the stupid counselor who he was forced to see instead of going to class. In the end, it had been a decision that he had made but he felt so much better talking to Jack or Vic about personal things, rather than sitting around in a stuffy room talking to some random lady about his mental health issues.

Things were minorly different this time, because he had a plan. He was going to get his meds worked out. The bell rang and he slowly walked into her room, sitting at the edge of his designated chair.

"Hi, Kellin." Emily said, sitting down behind her desk. "Anything in particular you want to talk about today?"

"Yeah," he replied, surprising her. He usually had to be forced into conversation and had disclosed almost little to information about himself to her. As a high school counselor, she had formed her own opinions and beliefs about him from how he acted and his physical appearance. "I want to deal with my medications."

"Oh?" He thought she sounded so stupid and wasn't sure why he was so angry at her but he was, maybe it was because he was angry at himself and he was always so bitter at people who he wasn't exactly comfortable with.

"Yeah."

"What medications are you taking?" She asked, giving him a judgemental look that obviously didn't believe that he had any problems.

He started listing them out, consistently fucking up the names even though he was sure about what he was saying for once, but his words sounded oddly slurred and the faint stutter that had faded off into nothingness was making a painful comeback, and all of it was causing him to be taken less seriously.

"That one's, yeah, that's for anxiety except, see-see, I don't have anxiety, I'm pretty-fairly- sure that I have PTSD, and then there's these for depression but they don't-"

"You're pretty sure that you have PTSD?" There was so much disbelief in her voice that Kellin wanted to cry because oh my god she had no idea what he had been through and he didn't want to go into details because, in all honesty, it was none of her business.

"Yes." His voice got louder, not that he wanted it to, but he felt like their conversation was too much of an argument for him not to raise his voice at least once.

"Care to explain why?" She demanded, and he stared at her with dark eyes and a clenched jaw.

"I just..." She was staring at him so intensely and for a second he wondered if he was actually serious, if any of this mattered. If he really had PTSD, because maybe he didn't deserve even that. Maybe it hadn't been bad enough and he was just making a big deal, all the panic attacks were his own fault, he couldn't sleep because he chose to, the flashbacks were just because he thought too much.