Flicker, Fade ⧫ Kellic / Ryden / Jardougall / Jalex

11 :: the problem with the big picture is that it's hard to see (&)

[march 9th]

: hey hey ho welcome. the picture is just this mumford and sons album cover but later on in the chapter it's where kellin and vic sit and usually i like to let my words provide imagery but this is really what i was imagining when i thought of where they were except instead of the city below it it's the golden gate bridge. and i've been to the place that i wrote about but i don't have any pictures. i love san francisco. 

the song is the problem with the big picture is that it's hard to see by mayday parade, as of now their newest song, and i love it and them and i'm seeing them in may and i love them so much. okay. now read this, and try to enjoy, i suppose. also i'm sorry this is sad but the next chapter will be happier i swear. 

i said i'm sorry

but i wasn't sorry enough

to give back what you gave me

i got to you fast

but not fast enough

i know the reason you're always afraid

Guilt was a terrible emotion, especially when whoever was feeling the guilt couldn't do anything about it. Which was usually a key part of guilt, a sort of helplessness that sunk in because lots of time guilty people couldn't find a way to apologize for what they had done.

Jaime Preciado was extremely guilty. And he had apologized, but that never did anything. Every apology was such an obvious lie that it almost made him disappointed in himself, because he was disappointed in himself, because he kept hurting someone who he thought he loved. But maybe not. Vic had said it once, that what they had wasn't love. In Jaime's opinion, he shouldn't have said it. And maybe after he had said that Jaime had hurt him a bit, just a bit because he didn't want it to be true.

He was so guilty.

Guilty because Vic Fuentes had shown up one year as a the shyest fucking kid who barely spoke and often rubbed at the little white scar under his eye. A boy who had blushed when Jaime spoke to him but hesitated in saying anything back to him. A boy who had slowly directed sly looks and knowing grins back at Jaime when they were sent his way. A boy who had stopped flinching when he was touched in any way, a boy who had stopped tensing up whenever anyone told him to "hurry up," in any way, god Vic had been so hurt and the only person he had ever really trusted by then was Jaime and Jaime was-

Jaime was guilty.

Guilty of betraying Vic's trust, of taking him back to square one, of ruining everything that they had worked towards.

There was a point where Jaime knew that it was going to happen. A lot of it was Kellin's fault. Jaime didn't know Kellin and he was glad that he didn't because every time Jaime came in any sort of contact with him, he was reminded of Vic when they had first met. Except Kellin had different things going on, but it was somehow the same, in a way. Kellin had the same anxious demeanor and obviously hesitant sort of nature that Vic had had before, except that Jaime was in no way attracted to Kellin. Jaime wasn't really showing any respect to Vic anymore but things had changed since Kellin had shown up.

For both of them.

Jaime had grown unnecessarily paranoid since Kellin had shown up, and had tried to make Vic feel bad about things like eating, taking his food and saying things like- "do you want to look like him?" There were some nights where Vic had dissolved into tears, wanting to be angry but not being allowed to so instead going straight to sadness, always asking what was wrong with himself. That had hurt Jaime. But it had hurt Jaime to see Vic try to break away from him, to spend more days locked in his own room with Kellin rather than spending time with his boyfriend, it had hurt to see Vic seem sort of happier, healthier, and that's what had made Jaime more angry.