Unveiling beauty " Ambw"

Autumn Night

Nani/ Abena Pov 2023

" Feeling like an alien can be painful too." She would've said. and I would've laughed sarcastically at her statement.

For now, however, I took a deep breath and readied myself for the pain. I had done this many times before, but it never got any easier. Pain is a strange, timeless thing, fleeting in its passing but forever in the time it takes to experience it to its finish. I would know.

As I lathered the Vaseline onto my legs, I looked outside for a moment, deciphering whether it was in my best interest to run out into the street or stay in the safety of my small apartment. It wouldn't have mattered really. Whatever my choice was, I was likely to convince myself to do it anyway.

My life wasn't the most conventional in the department of standards, and my dreams didn't give me much of a break either. For example, I have this recurring dream where the ceiling of the room looks like it's rocking back and forth then it starts a soft crack long enough toward the center. It begins to shake and get slightly violent, after a while as it moves about, rain enters through the cracks and then eventually begins carrying me away. I lay still and take the waves as they come. This dream comes and goes every few days. Of course, I told my therapist about it. I usually find myself in a chair when I need to talk about this to her every now and then when I can afford to see her.

I told her last month about my depression getting slightly worst. How sometimes it's the knowing it will all work out, that's the most debilitating, because knowing better days are coming can be very suffocating when you are not sure what time it'll be arriving. She asked me if I found myself obsessing over time a lot. I just scoffed, sat back in my chair, and looked up towards the ceiling as the sound of pencil hitting paper sang while she was writing down notes.

On days I can't see her like I want to, I do as I am doing today, taking to nature my issues. An attempt to clear my mind in an open space. Feeling more grounded as I'm reminded of a world bigger than myself as the wind blew onto my face, as " The idea of tomorrow." Echoed in my mind as I stared forward.

Shriveled by the weight of gravity as it took a ride on my bike, while I rode my bike over speed bumps. The closer I got the faster I raced forward with my bike, as the air tasted salty and damp and smelled like fresh rain had just teased the park sand. The damp sunset met the surface of the shore from afar creating an illusion of being swallowed into the riverbank. I laid my bike onto a sign that read " No bikes after this point." And walked towards the water with a basket in hand.

Though it seemed small from where I was standing, as soon as I stepped closer to the edge of the shore, it became bigger than I expected it to be. The water swirled around me like a forgotten lullaby playing in my head as I took off my shoes and rolled up my trousers so that my feet could touch the cold wetness beneath them.

The riverbank had been scattered with stones of different sizes and shapes for miles ahead and despite being there for what for only a moment; not once did time seem to pass by me too quickly or too slow. I carefully picked up some stones that fit perfectly in my palm and placed them into my basket before walking back to the picnic area. I set down the basket and squatted down beside it. Waves of the river's water crashed just barely before my toes. Locked in thought I stood, my eyes gave a lazy gaze onto the seagull that walked past me and began to poke its head in my food basket.

I'm exhausted was all I could think to myself. I should be rested, but my mind won't pause, not even for just a moment. I'm captive to the stress I've created for myself. Yet victim to situations that won't set me free. I sighed as I drew a heart on the mixture of dirt and sand while the broken pieces of shells slightly pressed against my skin in passing. A small cut occurred on my thumb just below my knuckle.