Unveiling beauty " Ambw"

My everything

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Abena 2023

My week was a daunting one; I spent the majority of it navigating through Ha-na's exorbitant family tree. Jun, my aunt, and I traveled together to visit her parents' memorial in the countryside where a spacious home had been rented for us all to stay in.

A sea of faces radiated familiarity and foreignness alike. Despite the tender embrace of some relatives, there remained an unspoken tension that stemmed from being an outsider.

Every hallway was rife with hushed whispers that contained my name; "Isn't she the one who was in a coma?" Others would continue to obliquely refer to my supposed ill luck, "Such a tragedy, Ha-na didn't make it must have been fate." It appeared as though simply being present served as a reminder to them of someone else's absence; making me feel like even more of an intruder.

When I emerged from my seclusion in the bathroom, I heard voices in the background that seemed to be discussing me without reserve. They spewed out their opinions on how I should have no right to be here after what had happened and that I had no sense of dignity by appearing before them as if I belonged.

Yet, in the face of these veiled accusations, my aunt showed up, pulling me to her side to stand behind her she spoke "If you all cared so much about Ha-na's, why was it only I who took her in when her parents passed? Why has it only been Nani helping me and it was only her then that stood by her side as a sister." Their embarrassed faces were comforting enough as I walked beside my aunt.

" Don't let them get to you." She said as she checked my person, as if I was in battle asking me if I was okay. I nodded and gave her a smile. While we sat together throughout the different ceremonies that were held for each family that passed. In the calm in the quiet, I found my corner and sat.

Eventually, the coolness of the night sky welcomed me as I stepped onto the deck overlooking the sprawling hills covered in stars. For a moment, everything seemed nuanced and calm. In that peaceful moment, standing there looking out into nothingness.

Throughout this storm of discomfort, Jun also found himself beside me. At unexpected moments, I would feel his hand envelope mine. It was strange, this shift in our dynamics, yet it was not entirely unwelcome.

The days rolled by rather quickly and before I knew it, we were bidding our goodbyes and setting off back to Seoul. The car ride was a quiet one, with only gentle music filling the silence.

Arriving back to the city, my aunt was resting so Jun and I found ourselves sitting in the kitchen, silently drinking our warm beverages. His phone started ringing but he turned it off and moved it aside.

"You don't have to do that just because you pity me," I told him. He'd just chuckle and shake his head as he continued to drink. "I know," he said simply. I nodded as the music from my phone continued to play softly in the background.

The next day was the one that was bathed in somber silence, almost as if we were attempting to escape an invisible confusion of emotions. We visited her, urn and picture. Next to the one of herself there was one of us sitting together on a bench on graduation day.

"I'm glad we could do this," my aunt's voice broke the quiet as we walked out, her arm threaded through mine. "All of us, visiting her together."

I could only nod in response, my chest closing up with the rush of emotions. I wished she was here, guiding me through the life she'd left so abruptly. At the same time....for a long time, I used to be embarrassed to show my face.

As I still was. Or maybe all of that was an excuse because I get guilty for her ending up the way she did.

Before heading home from her memorial we stopped by the temple for another. As the incense lit and chants started, we watched from a distance.