Unveiling beauty " Ambw"

Most hated day

Nani • Abena 2023

Earlier that day, I nervously wrung my hands together as I sat in the chair. I could feel Dr.Neila's eyes upon me while I played with the tips of my fingers, trying to find solace in their distraction. My words came out as a whisper, barely audible, "I don't know what it'll be like when I tell him."

My therapist nodded her head, from the Facetime screen understanding that my courage was wavering. She smiled knowingly and tried to encourage me by saying, "You're doing better than last time. You've improved a lot."

Dr. Neila reached for her glass of water and took a sip before turning her attention back to me. Her questions were gentle but probing; they seemed almost intrusive yet wise - like she knew exactly what to say but not necessarily why she was saying it. With an inquisitive gaze, she asked, "Have you been feeling the need or want to live? In your dreams has the ceiling still been falling in?"

I didn't quite understand the purpose of these questions or how they related to my initial quandary, but nonetheless, I listened intently. Trying to remember all angles of her advice as if taking part in some kind of mental puzzle.

" I do want to live," I added though in some ways there was a discomfort.

Her question was pointed, like a needle trying to draw blood, "For yourself or the moment?" she asked.

"For myself," I responded, my voice steady. Her eyes lingered on me for a moment, studying my expression before she nodded, scribbling something down on the notepad before her.

"Do you think the feeling of the ceiling falling was also an inclusive manifestation of how you feel not telling Ki about the baby? Alongside your guilt for wanting to live but feeling like you stole it from Ha-na?" Her questions prodded.

A nod was all I could muster, my voice lost within the jumbled thoughts of my mind. "But I want to tell him now," I whispered after a while, my eyes lowered to the floor.

"What has changed?" She was relentless, her questions peeling away the layers I had carefully constructed.

"He knows who I am." The truth came out in a hushed voice, as if trying to hide away from the gaze I avoided.

"And how does it make you feel knowing that he is aware of your identity as Nani?"

A long pause ensued as I gathered my thoughts. "It makes me feel like I can finally be honest about everything. He deserves to know that at least. That I don't want to hold any secrets from him."

Nodding, she encouraged me to continue, "You said you don't know what it'll be like when you tell him?"

I gave a slight nod,

"Well, do you trust him?" She asked, her gaze unwavering. I nodded once more.

"You can't control how others react to information, Nani, but you can trust them based on their previous actions on how they may react. Trust in Ki, trust in your feelings, and trust in your truth," she advised.

The day I had the heart-to-heart with my therapist was also the day my aunt got discharged from the hospital. I found myself alone in the hotel room, Ki having stepped out to pick up dinner. It was then that I decided to tell him everything soon.

Once we were back home, though, that newfound resolution seemed to vanish into thin air. After ensuring my aunt was comfortably asleep, I found myself wandering aimlessly outside, searching for Ki.

Catching sight of Ki, I started, "Hey, Ki, I have something..." My words trailed off, my body suddenly feeling like a marionette with its strings cut. My gaze met his, and a strange sense of discomfort washed over me. It felt as though something significant had transpired, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.